WANNA’ TRADE?

Our super sized super markets are amazing.  You can find almost anything you need from frozen peas to feathered ferns, but who would have thought you could get a new kid there?  And yet that’s where I got an offer just the other day.

Having raised four daughters and spent several decades doing the WD, I decided there had to be something better.  The “WD” is the whiners dance.  It requires more than one person but no music or particular choreography.  It’s all verbal and sounds like this:

Adult: “Don’t whine at me.”

Child: “I’m not whinnnnnnnning.”

A: “Yes, you are.  I know whining when I hear it.”

C: “You aren’t listennnnnnning right.”

A: “Don’t tell m what I’m doing.  You’d better not take that tone with me!”

C: “WHAT tone?  This is my regular voice!”

A: “How many times have I told you to treat me with respect?!  [Not really a question.] Your sister doesn’t talk like that!”

C:"You always take HER side.  If you knew what she was doing behind your back, you wouldn’t think whining was so bad!”

[Voices rising, solutions disappearing, relationships suffering, everyone losing]

Fast forward to a new generation (my grands) and new approach.  Rather than complaining about the noise, I posed a question to 5 and 8 year old sisters when things were calm.  [Don’t discuss things when folks are upset.]  “Did you notice that there’s been a lot of whining around here lately?”  Then I waited for an answer.

When they replied in the positive (astonished that an adult would ask such a question], I asked my next question: “What do you think we could do about it?”

After a considerable amount of thinking and discussion, the girls decided it would be okay to have a reminder in the form of a signal.  “We’d rather have that than be bossed around.”  And a 3-fingered “W” held to the chin was agreed upon.  Practice ensued and this play acting made it seem fun to have a silent reminder.  It worked like a charm for the two weeks prior to our shopping excursion.

The three of us walked happily through one of the sets of glass doors that opened to receive us.  Next to us another family came clattering in with children of similar ages, but these girls had chosen “the whine” to communicate AT their mom.  It was dinner time and she was trying to hold it together, but the sound level was going up, and things were unraveling right there in the store’s entry.   I felt sorry for this beleaguered mom who was trying to placate whined demands without success.  It was sort of like watching someone reasoning with a drunk. ..and the kids were drunk with power.

Thinking to offer our family’s new solution to this chronic problem, I walked the few paces that separated us.  This is not something I have done before, so I had no idea what to expect.  As I approached she checked out my happy granddaughters and virtually shouted at me, “WILL YOU TRADE ME ONE OF YOURS FOR ONE OF MINE?!” 

Perfect chance for us to share our “W” signal solution…complete with a demo by the girls! “Brilliant!  You’ve probably saved their lives!” was Mom’s response. 

“If the ‘Big W’ goes unheeded,” I told her,” there’s a simple back-up plan.  Just look calmly at the perpetrator, take a big breath, and say calmly and quietly, ‘I’ll be glad to listen when your voice sounds like mine.’”

That last line got me hugged–right there in the supermarket! 

Guess she decided not to trade me kids after all.

I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH TO FIGHT

One recent parent workshop focus was on simple but powerful “defusing” skills…offering a brief, empathetic phrase, rather than getting pulled into an argument – or worse! 

Participants were introduced to some 1-liners borrowed from Becoming a Love & Logic Parent © program and added to by each successive workshop:

·        Oh, no!

·        How sad!

·        Thanks for sharing.

·        Love ya’ too much to argue.

·        I never thought about it like that.

·        Bummer!

·        That’s tough.

·        What are you gonna do about that?

·        I hate when that happens to me.

·        I’ll bet that feels terrible.

People generally find a phrase with which they feel more comfortable…modifying it to their particular situation or personality.  Remembering to breathe is the skill which allows us to pause and remember to use one of these new interventions, rather than reverting to old patterns.  A mom reflected, “It gives me a moment to recall that I’m in charge of myself.”  A military dad puts it a little more directly, “It keeps me from screaming at ‘em!”  Whatever the reasoning, practice is required to deliver this message without sarcasm or an angry countenance. 

Years ago a participant in a parenting class suggested [with great vigor] that I “Put those sayings on a little card so I can laminate it and carry it around in my pocket and pull it out so I can remember not to yell at my kid!”   Ever since then I’ve shared this little list of empathetic statements with all the members of my classes…and neighbors, irate airline passengers, preschool teachers, high schools counselors, grandparents, etc. 

One father of a really tough teen had exhausted all his threatening, bullying, yelling “skills” which he had inherited from his father.  Ready for something else, he looked thoughtfully at the little card he was holding. 

I could tell he had his doubts, but was willing to give it a shot.  He walked out of the room with obvious skepticism and squinty eyes.

Next week’s entrance into the room brought wide eyes and a face full of joyous disbelief.  The description of a near disaster was shared with interested classmates.  His son had been furious about some issue prior to leaving for school.  Dad’s fear was that he might fall back into previous patterns of heated verbal exchanges which looked like they could actually come to blows.  But this time was different.  Dad took a deep breath and pulled out his “magic card” which he attempted to share with his son.  Pointing at the phrase that resonated with him, Dad read slowly, “I love you too much to fight with you.”  Rather than congratulating him on his new parenting skills, the boy snatched the card from his hands, tore it in half, and stormed out to door…card fluttering to the floor.

Looking for the good news, we were reminded that:  the argument ended; Dad “didn’t go there” [take the bait]; good modeling had been done; and a cool head had prevailed.  More good news came later.  When his son returned from school he taped the card back together, handed it back to his dad and apologized.  “I love you too, Dad” came with a hug that sealed the deal, mended the hurt, and put this pair back on the same team. 

Dad’s summary: “His behaviour improved at least 40% right there and gets better all the time.  I’m learning to respond, rather than react.  Those phrases are magical!  I don’t have to argue and fight.  I just need to keep breathing.”                                                         

KISS MY MOM

The concept of parenting across cultures can be a challenge…and it’s not just the words we use.    Picture this: a simultaneously translated parenting workshop series at The Boys and Girls Club of Elgin.  With two facilitators (1 English and 1 Spanish speaking), we’re having more fun –and success – than we’d imagined possible.  Everyone wants a more peaceful family, less shouting, more listening, less stress, more kindness.

One dad complained at our first class that their house was full of yelling.  Nothing seemed to get through to their teenage sons. He was getting tired of trying to “make” his kids behave and felt resigned to suffer: “It’s just what happens when kids go to high school.” 

The concept of modeling the behavior you want to see was a light bulb moment, and he announced his determination to change HIS pattern of behaviour, rather than focus on the rebellion and escalating violence at home.

 

Although he wanted to see more respect and more love, he didn’t know where to start.  Old patterns are hard to break.

“Do you think I should kiss my wife?” was a question for which I was unprepared. I wondered if Ruby had mistranslated it for me!  Dad went on to confide that, although married 15 years, he had never kissed his wife in front of his sons. It just wasn’t done in his family of origin.  His wife nodded in quiet agreement.  Although she couldn’t explain it to me directly because of the language barrier, her sadness was obvious.  I suggested he give it a try.

Two smiling parents sat in the front row the next week and reported an astonishing turn-around.  “My sons have changed.  They stopped yelling and if I forget, they remind me to kiss their mom every day!”  Dad had gone home and told his son that starting now he was changing the way he [Dad] treated Mom.  “I love her so much, and I love you so much.  I’m going to give your momma kisses and hugs every day.  She’ll save them up and when I’m dead, you go to her and you will have them forever!”

Week after week the good news continues. “Still kissing every day…my sons, too.  My wife doesn’t have to clean the bathrooms anymore!” he announced with pride and delight.  “We let our boys take turns.  And they can wash the clothes.  She shouldn’t have to work so hard.  We’re a family!”

Oh, the power of a good example. Oh, the power of love. 

The smile on Momma’s face needed no translation.

A PARENTING DILEMA: TERRIBLE CASE OF THE “TOO’S”

We’ve been warned plenty about pandemics.  But there’s different kind of a plague which cuts across cultures, economic strata, and religious boundaries.  It’s taken its toll in schools, churches, and homes across continents and oceans. This insidious affliction immobilizes, frustrates, and exhausts victims, turning them against each other - and against themselves. It’s THE TOO’S !

I’m too rushed/too methodical; too “hyper”/too depressed.  I have too many ideas/too little direction.  I'm too fat/too thin; too young/too old; too dumb to understand/too smart for my own good.  I'm too gregarious/too quiet; too assertive/too passive.  I have too many demands on my time/too much time on my hands; too little compassion/too much drive.

  

Running a business, expanding a circle of friends, developing a game plan, establishing priorities, managing a family, nourishing a relationship, balancing a checkbook, understanding a relative, preparing for a presentation…the list is endless.  Rather than taking the time to center, meditate, pray, or make a home in the breathing, we tend to push ahead and pass along this infection to our children.  It does, after all, appear to be very contagious. 

As parents – whether we identify ourselves as helicopters or drill instructors (the most common types) – we tend to do too much TO and FOR our children.

Too much:

•        Talking

•        Judging

•        Directing

•        Assisting

•        Criticizing

•        Explaining

•        Improving

•        Rescuing

•        Ordering

•        Lecturing

•        Serving

•        Commanding

•        Bossing

•        Helping

•        Micromanaging

•        Saving

•        Bullying

This collection of maladies has its origin in the attempt to DO IT ALL.  It’s parents trying to run their own lives while taking responsibility for everyone else’s too.  The result is overwhelm and burnout for the adult - heartbreak and resentment for the child.

The solution is to share the load.  Share the responsibility.  Share the control.

How about replacing these too’s with some character developers and responsibility builders?

How about allowing children to learn and grow through:

• Questioning
• Decision making
• Thinking
• Choice making

Unless parents plan on having their kids live with them forever, they would do well to begin early on to break themselves of this insidious affliction of Too-itis.  Parents can unhook from old patterns and master the skill of letting children actually think and come up with conclusions, ideas, solutions, and – ultimately – an increased sense of self-esteem. 

Rather than offering to “help” [unstated implication: you can’t do it without me], a thoughtful parent might say, “After you’ve tried, let me know if you need any assistance.”

Rather than asking, “How many times have I told you to clean your room?!” [not a real question, anyway], Mom could announce that kids with clean rooms will be allowed to view the Netflix selection that evening.

Rather than giving a command [implication: you’re too dumb to know what to do without me telling you}, a wise adult might ask, “Were you going to do that before or after dinner?”

Rather than lecturing on the importance of doing homework [implication: you can’t remember the other 20 times I’ve told you this], a smart parent casually observes that he’ll love his child no matter how long it takes him to graduate from sixth grade.

Parents have so many different ways in which they can model the respect they so long to have manifested toward them.  All it takes is a pause to think before speaking and a willingness to try a different approach.  Break those old habits, and, oh joy!  Who would ever have thought respect could be such an effective cure for the terrible too’s?  Let alone having an antidotal effect on whining, defiance, and arguing as well.  Plague eliminated.  Balance restored.  Thinking established.  Control shared.  It’s a win-win for everyone!

THE 5 SENSES OF PARENTS

Some of the best insights I’ve gotten into parenting skills have come from the kids themselves. You can do your own survey. You’ll probably get more simple and unbiased answers from kids, but you can ask ANYONE what they really need to “sense” an attachment to another human being.

I found myself conducting ongoing, informal research on the question, “What should I teach parents?” I say “informal” because I was not aware that my questioning would add up to conducting a survey as I casually queried children of various ages how I could help their mommies and daddies (or their “moms” and “dads”) do a better job.

I share these observations as a way to develop and enhance relationships and promote better communication, thereby encouraging more positive results [behavior].

HEARING:
A four year old was my first respondent, whose instant and enthusiastic response was, “tell ‘em to listen!” This is a universal theme: there’s not enough time; we’re always rushing; they talk so loud [or so much] that I can’t hear them. Not surprisingly this cry is echoed by parents about their kids, spouses about each other, employees about employers!

In the past years this chronic problem has been exacerbated by the onslaught of technology. At the restaurant, check out the booth next to you. You’ll see parents [and probably kids] who are plugged in to someone or something far removed. Watch texting parents crossing the street or parking lot with little ones following behind like ducklings. Whether kids are in the car, at the table, on the playground, in the shopping cart, or in the bath tub - chances are good their parents are there only in body.

SIGHT:
This is a natural extension of the technology block. Many children feel they’ve become invisible. A 7 year old told me she felt her dad never really looked at her. “He’s really tall and he’s always in a hurry.” Taking the time to get down on the level of that child is a huge step toward actually connecting. And chances are good that if you’re trying to give a directive, you’ll only have to say it once from this position. The analogy of the eyes being the window to the soul is an apt one. All we need to do to communicate better sometimes, is to bend our knees a little. Breathing deeply and looking through the lens of love or patience, rather than that of anger or haste is another way of improving the outcome of our interactions.

TOUCH [FEELING]:
Empathy is the big one here. “My mom doesn’t know how I feel.” Or “My dad can’t remember what it feels like to be a kid.” These are often a child’s reality and result in a sense of disconnectedness…and resultant misbehavior. An understanding comment [ideally preceded by a nice deep breath], might sound like, I never thought about it like that. Thanks for sharing that with me. Wow – I hate when that happens to me. I’ll bet that hurts. Sincerely delivered, these can go a long way toward defusing reactivity and anger, thus building the bridges of communication.

Added to the positive emotion of feeling, the physical nature of touch - a gentle pat on the shoulder, a hug on the way out the door, a welcoming kiss home – provide that life-giving connection which fosters mutual care and compassion.

SMELL:
It might be the cautious “something smells fishy in Denmark” odor or the “take time to smell the roses” fragrance. Parenting provides us with both scents…and more. “Wake up and smell the coffee” might be our reminder that something needs closer attention, rather than just waiting for a situation to get better. This is often an aroma associated with our teens. Whatever comes wafting our way and wherever we are on this journey, the whole experience goes by so quickly that it needs to be savored as best we can. Even if the best we can do on some days is to just move upwind and look for the roses.

TASTE:
I often hear parents wondering if they’ve bitten off more than they can chew. The ability to savor the experience is similar to that of enjoying a multicourse meal.

1) Allow enough time. [Be patient with yourself and your kids.]

2) Realize that if you’re not really enjoying the soup course, the salad’s coming, and that might be really great! Of course the salad might be worse, so try to appreciate the soup, just in case! And know that ultimately, if we play our cards right, there’s dessert. [They grow up and invite us over to their house!]

3) Be sure you have the right implements [parenting skills] to be able to enjoy the meal. [Hacking at the soft butter with a huge carving knife, is as effective as “drill instructor” parents bellowing commands: Get that homework done now, or else! Where they might more easily and effectively give a choice: Were you thinking of doing your homework before or after your chores? As long as there are two options that are both acceptable to the parent, they’re poised for success rather than an argument.]

4) Take small bites and chew thoroughly. [Don’t rush it. These are life lessons. Performing the Heimlich maneuver is not enjoyable experience literally or figuratively.]

5) Try to remember your manners. [We are, after all, our children’s ultimate role models. They will follow our lead…even if we don’t want them to!]

6) Clean up after yourself. [Mistakes happen. Apologies not only mend fences (and hearts) but are good examples for our kids to follow.]

The 5 senses are good reminders for successful and more enjoyable parenting. Perhaps it’s as simple as what your grandmother always told you. When in doubt, just follow the Golden Rule:

Treat others the way you would like to be treated.

How sensible.

FOR A HAPPY FAMILY, AVOID THE 3 C’S

How often as parents we’re given the classic “to do” lists to apply to our children:

• Be good role models
• Keep them organized
• Feed them organic foods
• Structure homework time
• Get them to school on time
• Mediate sibling squabbling
• Monitor their use of technology
• Make sure they get enough sleep
• Remind them to follow the Golden Rule

The lists can be endless and may vary according to background, culture, and ethnicity. To make things more challenging, they seem to be constantly changing. Just look at “the food pyramid” of a decade ago which is now considered hazardous at best. Generations flip/flop (literally) regarding the “sleep on their back/side/stomach” debate.

One NEW short collection of avoidance practices came up in a recent parent workshop. It received universal agreement. It cut across ages, neighborhoods, educational achievements, and languages. It received approval unaffected by gender, finances, sexual preference, or family structure. It garnered a pledge to put a sticky note version all around the house [and office] as a necessary reminder. [Breaking habits takes a little help sometimes.]

As we deal with children (and adults), these are the 3 challenges that confront us all. These tendencies freeze us in our tracks [difficulties], negatively affect those around us, and are the antithesis of proactivity, patience, and progress.

• We tend to complain about other people, situations, outcomes, karma, weather. This keeps us from “owning our own” difficulties – and thus prevents us from coming up with solutions. Parents who have this habit often complain that their children are whiners. I wonder why.

• Cursing is most commonly aimed at others. ..or at least heard by them. In the case of children it’s particularly unnerving. They are exposed to an adult who’s out of control (a scary thing for a child). Here is a role model who’s demonstrating anger, rather than self control. The message delivered is, “I’m out of coping strategies! I don’t know what to do! Better stay out of my way!” For some reason these parents frequently report having disrespectful children. And use invectives like, “Don’t talk like that in this house. Don’t take that tone with me!”

• Most of us know that being on the receiving end of condemnation can be a horrible and crushing experience. It tends to attach negative labels that can last for a lifetime. Discussion within a group of parents surfaced the awareness recently that it’s the condemnation of ourselves that may be the cruelest of all. “I’ll never get this right.” “ I’m as nasty as my father was.” “Why can’t I ever listen before I scream?” “I’m ruining my kids!” This self-deprecation keeps us in a loop of failure, keeps us from trying, and effectively closes the doors and windows on inspiration and progress.

Awareness of these destructive 3 C’s is the beginning of improved self-control and a more harmonious family. Maybe it’s as simple as my grandmother used to say: “Start by being kind to yourself.”

The Power of ALL (At Least Lenses)

Much has been said over the years about the power of positive thinking; the importance of gratitude; glass half full, etc. - but what about the underutilized appreciation of at-leastness?

It’s very much like putting on lenses that would allow one to see how bad a situation MIGHT have been and rejoicing in not having to deal with THAT. It’s applicable in situations of varying intensity and scope. Perhaps it was developed by mothers interested in putting a positive spin on things.

A.L.L (ALL) can sound like this: At least this time my toddler only pushed his baby sister and didn’t bite her. At least my teen is wearing clothes that cover most of her body. At least I know my child will be potty-trained by the time she walks down the aisle.

ALL is a wonderful gift parents give to themselves. Of course it can’t be effective if it’s said in anger or if it’s sarcastic. Ex: At least you HAVE a bed to sleep in, food to eat, parents to boss you around. Sometimes simply asking the question “and what’s the GOOD news?” is the best way of using ALL…especially with younger children.

ALL is a habit well worth cultivating and applying in all venues.

Whether facing the prospect of receiving a speeding ticket, losing your spot in line, misplacing your keys, being handed a pink slip, having a proposal rejected, or forgetting an anniversary – the prospect of using ALL is a way of getting through the problem with a little more grace. Approaching a situation in this way also reduces stress. Although not necessarily solving the problem, this practice allows coping mechanisms to activate and eliminate less successful strategies (like the 3 C’s: complaining, cursing, condemning).

Think of it in the most dismal of situations - the ultimate “how low can you go” place - dealing with symptoms of the stomach flu. Is there a more miserable time or location than a night spent alone on the bathroom floor. If ALL can work there, it can work anywhere. At least: there’s a wash cloth, the toilet’s clean, I’ve taken out my contacts, the floor is cool, I didn’t eat much for dinner.

This power of a more appreciative and more positive focus raises the odds of our being calmer and clearer. Answers can appear. Difficulties can resolve themselves. Relationships can remain intact.

“Won’t it be interesting to see how this works out?” replaces “Why on earth did this happen and what the devil am I going to do now?!

ALL helps us move away from being a part of the problem and become a part of the solution. Putting on these magical lenses is something we can do to ourselves, by ourselves, for ourselves…and it blesses everyone else as well.

At least you had time to read this far. At least no one is demanding you try something new. At least this is better than having your spouse tell you to quit complaining and get your act together. Although today was difficult, at least tomorrow’s another chance to have different results.