GET OFF YOUR “BUTS”

So many excuses are available – and actually used – it’s a wonder any of us make progress in the important job of raising kids, getting along as a family, having fun growing up…together.  Perhaps you’ve heard a frustrated neighbor, agitated relative, or that tired and exasperated person you see in the mirror at the end of another long day say one of the following:

I want to be a better parent [have a happier home]:

but my child is just going through a stage.

but I’ve tried everything.

but I’m too tired.

but my spouse differs so much in his/her parenting style.

but I can just enroll my child in another activity to keep him/her occupied

but I just can’t cope.

but I don’t want to make my child angry.

but there are so many conflicting theories on how to raise kids.

but I don’t want to stifle my child’s creativity.

but I don’t have time to learn any new parenting strategies.

but my child makes me so angry.

but I’ll just do it like my parents did.

but what if I do it wrong?

but the problem is really my child’s teacher.

but I could just medicate my child.

but I could just have a glass of wine.

but we’re all just too busy to deal with it.

but they’ll grow out of it eventually.

Listening for these red flags, allows parents to come awake to the need for stepping up to the plate, looking the situation in the eye, seeing them for the potentially dangerous  excuses they are, and taking positive action to address the problem…whatever it is.  Whether it’s fear, fatigue, or flummox that’s fueling our excuses, our children deserve adults who care enough about them to fight FOR them rather than WITH them. Don’t pull out the white flag of defeat when the red flag of warning becomes apparent.  In discussing his campaign, General Grant purportedly said, “I propose to fight it out on this line, if it takes all summer.”  Our children are worth the effort.

So when you’re faced with a BUT, rise to the occasion and don’t let that be the end of the story.  Take a breath and add the little 2-letter word SO to empower yourself and help your child.  “I want to be a better parent BUT I’m too tired, SO I’m going to start taking better care of myself.” Or “I want to be a better parent BUT I’ve tried everything, SO it’s time to get professional help.”

Occasionally the word OR is a better fit.  “I want to be a better parent BUT I could just medicate my child, OR I could review his nutritional intake, OR get a second opinion, OR, OR, OR.”

It’s whatever will move us away from tired resignation and toward proactive, solution-oriented thinking.

Ostriches aren’t terribly good at protecting themselves.  And “ostrich parents” who put their heads in the sand to evade problems and cop out aren’t positioned to help their children grow and thrive.  Rather, these folks model reticence, timidity, fear, laziness, weakness, irresponsibility which sends the consequent message to the child: “You’ve won” or “You’re not worth the effort.”  The end result is detrimental and sad.    

So accept the challenge of being alert to the BUTS in your head.  Watch for the red flag.  Replace it with a solution.  Empower yourself, strengthen your family, and save your kids.  It’s never too late to start…and it’s never too soon!

Photo by Blakeimeson

OBSERVATIONS FROM A THINKING 5 YEAR OLD

Photo by Brittany Randolph

She knows what it’s like growing up in a busy, active house.  She has an older sister [9] and a younger brother [3], so she’d have some interesting comments about how a happy, respectful family operates from the inside.  Her parents are firm and loving.  They have worked hard at giving choices, asking questions, and encouraging their children to think – rather than just boss them around. 

The question for Abby was, “What do you think are the most important things to tell other parents about having a happy, safe family?  What should they teach their children?”

In large printed letters, she wrote emphatically [exclamation points are hers]:

•    Thinking: don’t let people think for you!
•    Don’t boss children!
•    Be nice!
•    Breathe!
•    Don’t be frustreat! [frustrated]
•    Say sorry!
•    Hug or kiss.
•    Parents be a good example!
•    Follow through!
•    Don’t let your children boss you around.  If they do, say “excuse me…?” or “try again.”
•    If baby throws cups, say “All done!”
•    If children hits sister – thinking time!
•    Don’t run in the house!  If they run in the house, thinking time!
•    Have fun!

How wonderful to see that when parents are aware of the necessity of breathing, kissing, hugging, apologizing and thinking, they have children who tend to grow up the same way. 

How interesting to see her first priority reflect the appreciation of her newfound confidence in using her own brains.  This child, who had been in the habit of letting her parents make her decisions, began hearing responses from them that encouraged her to do her own thinking:

•    What do YOU think?
•    What happened last time?
•    I don’t know.
•    What would be best for you?
•    You can decide this.

Because it had been faster and simpler for them all when the adults made all the decisions and answered every question, the parents were the first ones who needed to break the habit.  Here’s where the breathing came in – as they waited patiently for a response from this capable child.  They watched as their daughter morphed from mentally lazy to enthusiastically involved.

So it was easy for her to THINK about what was important, because she’s getting lots of practice.

FEARLESS FAMILY TECH GUIDELINES

Photo by Tim Meany

For those brilliant parents who actually realize that electronics have begun to run their homes and their children rather than the other way around, it’s important to have some structure and expectations around this pervasive dilemma.  Awareness of how effective Prohibition was [not], may allow you to keep in mind the futility of attempting to control your kids around this issue.  And will probably only drive it underground [or to the neighbor’s house].  Parents who indicate what THEY will do, rather than what they will force their KIDS to do is a more effective approach to this universal problem.

Far more effective than springing a list of “Thou Shalt Not’s” on your children, is a family meeting with a conversation which might be launched with statements like:

• I’ve noticed that technology is really important to kids today.
• Have you noticed how much more time we’re all spending on our “devices”?
• I’m concerned about mobile phone usage.
• What rules do your friends have regarding screen time in their homes?
•  Are they teaching you about cyber bullying in school?

Opening a dialogue rather than issuing a dictum is important for cooperation and [hopefully] buy-in.  As in any good family meeting, try:  “Who wants to take notes since this is really important?”  See where it goes but be sure you, as the parent, have an objective in mind.  Generally the conversation can be steered to discussions which result in guidelines like these:

• Kids who pay for their own service, can have cell phones.
• Any illegal electronic activities are reported to the authorities.
• You can keep your device as long as it’s not used while driving, at the table, in church, etc.
• All computers are subject to review of internet history.
• Computers will be in the living room [public space] rather than in individual rooms.
• Devices that send or receive pornography will be given to charity.

If the “You don’t trust me” gauntlet is thrown, one response could reflect on how even good people and grown-ups can get into trouble with this stuff, so having back-up is really important…and thanks for understanding.

Adults should realize that these issues are not just a matter of common courtesy at the table, but can be life-or-death issues.  Signing a PLEDGE indicates the gravity of this subject.  “Where do you think we should post it” carries additional weight.

MORNING JOY

Using questions as directives was a foreign concept to a young mom.  Giving choices to a little child seemed even stranger.  “Sounds good, but how will I ever get ANYWHERE on time?  It’s already a challenge.  Letting my five year old make decisions will make me even later!  Even when he has plenty of time he is always making everyone late!”

Photo by Tauno Tõhk

The time to deal with a late child is not when you’re in a rush.  Being able to fold your family into the solution rather than fix blame for the problem is an effective concept.   Mom planned her approach and activated her strategy when everyone was calm and relaxed. 

Beginning with a question opens anyone’s ears.  “Have you noticed that mornings around here aren’t very happy?”  [Waiting for an answer is important – either yes or no will open up a dialogue.  If she’d have been nervous about a negative answer she might have started the conversation with “I’ve noticed that mornings are hard…”]

He answered tentatively in the affirmative, so the chat continued: “Well, what do you think we can do about it?” 

He was so surprised at being asked his opinion, he didn’t have any ideas. “Do you want to know what some people have tried?” was the next question.  They discussed alarm clocks, timers, cereal, television…things that might have had bearing on their mornings.  Possibilities were shared in an impersonal format [“SOME kids”], with the silliest or most outrageous ones first since it’s normal for kids to reject the parent’s initial offering.  This allows the parent to be a little creative and have some fun with the situation.  Besides, if we pick the best one first, we’ve stolen their chance to come up with the best one:

•  “SOME kids have their mom dump water on them to wake them up.  How would that work?” 
•  “SOME kids get three alarm clocks and set them all so they have to run around the room and turn them off.  How would that work?”
• “SOME kids ask their moms to turn their light on when it’s time to get up.  How would that work?”

The question at the end encourages them to THINK how it might impact them and continues to open up the lines of communication…something that will stand you in good stead as the child turns into a teen.

In far less time than it takes to read this, they hatched a plan and had fun actually practicing it.  Mom was to open Jerry’s door an hour before they needed to leave.  She showed him on the big clock where the hands would be when they needed to leave and told him what SHE was going to do:  “My car will be leaving at 9 o’clock.  I hope you’ll be in it.”  They practiced the ten minute warning he thought he’d need before her car was going to leave. He practiced coming out to the car and getting into his car seat.

The next morning came and the plan was going pretty well.  Mom felt comfortable getting herself dressed and the baby fed.  She reminded herself that this was an experiment and knew that she’d probably have more opportunities if this didn’t work this time.  She also rejoiced in the fact that she was providing Jerry with a learning opportunity.  Knowing the urgent importance of the follow-through, she had arranged to have her neighbor at the ready to swoop in at 9:00 AM to watch her and the baby drive away and actually get to day care and work on time. 

At 8:50 Mom walked past a pajama’d kid who was sitting in front of the TV eating his cereal. It was easy for her to be calm when delivering the rehearsed 10-minute warning.  She had a back-up plan and knew he’d be learning something no matter how this went down.  [She might even have asked him if he’d rather have his clothes in his back pack or on his body since she was going to go get into the car.] 

With that she went out into the garage, strapped the baby in and sat there with a roulette of thoughts: “This’ll never work” and “I’ll strangle him” and “Make my day!” and “I hope he’ll learn a lesson as I drive away” and “I hope Marge has her phone turned on”

At 8:56 this sweet child emerged from the house with bed head hair, his clothes on (shirt buttoned askew), his Spidey back pack over his shoulder, and a smile on his face.  As he opened the car door he said, “Thanks, mom, for not rushing me.’ 

Mom didn’t know whether to faint or cry. 

She didn’t make him do what she wanted.  HE made the decision to be on time…and did so consistently from then on.

Christie Clarke

I’VE NOTICED…

Here’s a simple strategy for improving relationships, behaviors, attitudes, and communication with kids, spouses, relatives, service personnel, and business associates.  It’s not rocket science, promotes empathy, requires little creativity, gets easier with practice, fosters selflessness, and is supported by little more than a nice big breath and a smile.

“I’ve noticed…” repeated twice each day, without judgment, is a great deposit into the relationship account of virtually anyone with whom you come into contact.   You can notice any number of positive things, WITHOUT interjecting your opinion:

…you’re a twin.

…you like to draw.

…you wore your black shoes.

…you’re a fast runner.

…people listen to you when you talk.

…you have a sister.

DON’T end with  “…and that’s terrific!” [judgment]  or  “…it’s about time!” [criticism].

It’s not about “catching them doing it right.”  It’s about caring enough to focus on them as a person.

Photo by Gil Feliciano

Deliver this neutral statement when you’re both calm - with a smile and maybe a passing pat on the shoulder.  Be gentle, be subtle, be discreet, be sincere.  It’s a “touch and go” that transforms, uplifts, and (sometimes) mystifies…but it brings results.  Within a few weeks you’ll notice a magical shift in attitude, as the object of your attention realizes that you see him/her as a unique human being.   You’ll find that you’re making the world a better place one observation at a time.

Christie Clarke

THE HELICOPTER AWARD OR WHOSE PROBLEM IS IT ANYWAY?

Photo by Gil Feliciano

The term “helicopter parent” is used commonly these days for parents who think their raison d’etre is to make sure their children lead a life which is free of stress (which is handed off to the parent).  Whether it’s the fifth grader who forgot that his/her assignment was due on Friday or the high school student struggling with a college application, the parent that swoops in to save the day is the one who is preventing his/her child from learning what it’s like to operate in an environment that makes daily demands on each and every one of its participants.  If you choose to accept this role, don’t be surprised when you’re asked by your adult offspring to help write a resume, locate a lost social security card, or remind them repeatedly of family birthdays.

Living within walking distance of our local elementary school was so “Little House on the Prairie.”  As a stay at home mother, I saw the short walk over the river and through the woods as a small price to pay to make sure my children had everything they needed at school.  It required relatively little time, and I could (I told myself) commune with nature as I wended my way up the hill to “save” yet another one of my children.  I hadn’t realized how chronic it had become until, on a Wednesday, I walked into the school office with yet another sack lunch, leotard, or field trip permission slip and was greeted with a genuinely astonished, “We haven’t seen you yet this week!”

I could have seen this as a wake-up call or continued to reinforce my sense of indispensability.  Unfortunately I chose the latter.

I hadn’t intentionally attempted to keep my children dependent upon me, but it happened any way.  In my exuberance to be “the perfect mother,” I’d become the homework helper, sneaker carrier, arrangement maker, violin fetcher, report deliverer, jacket transporter.

It was no dearth of gratitude. That was abundant and is probably what kept me at the ready for the next call. After all, who could better locate the lost current events report or find the missing gym shorts or explain (read: “excuse”) the lack of homework!  Anyone on the outside could have seen how beautifully my children were training me.  After a few years, I was even having contests with myself on how quickly I could get to “my” drop-off point in the school lobby.  In so doing, I had created a grateful but irresponsible child who turned into a brilliant but forgetful adult who relies on others for taking care of the details.  Why shouldn’t she be calling me to add my mailing address, her grandmother’s birth date, and her sister’s anniversary to her Blackberry - again?  I’ve conditioned her.  And I’m still providing information!

I wish I had cared enough to have allowed her to S the C’s…suffer the consequences.  No parent would ever want to subject his/her child to this horrible sounding verb.  But if your child is going to suffer (and they all will eventually unless you’re omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent), isn’t it better to do some suffering at 7, when the cost is lower, than at 17 or 37?  Not turning in your homework which was done incorrectly or left undone is considerably less costly (no pun intended) than neglecting to submit your income tax return.  The C’s – natural rather than imposed – are hugely impactful and do the teaching FOR the parent.  The outcome of a school assignment undone is a low grade. The outcome of income tax evasion could be a jail term.  The child who’s left to deal with the results of her own mistake generally makes tremendous strides toward avoiding the next one. Short term grief for long term relief! 

A mistake can be a beautiful thing when the child is allowed to own her own.  Watching children learn is an awesome, almost spiritual, experience.  Sometimes watching sounds like this: “Wow, How are you going to solve that?” or “Gee, What do you think you’ll do about this?’ or even “Gosh, What now?”  Realizing she has the ability to make it better and thereby take control of that aspect of her life not only provides the opportunity for solution solving, but confidence building.  Adults that can take a breath, step back and let a child think, reason, decide, and learn are giving their children a priceless gift. 

Finally be warned that, even more difficult than allowing the child to S the C’s, is to S the M – shut the mouth!  As crude as it sounds, it points to the reality that rehashing and rehearsing tends to water down or even negate the effectiveness of the lesson.

Here are some things to say if you wish to annul the benefits of a potential learning experience:

·         What did you learn from this?

·         How are you going to do this differently next time?

·         Didn’t I warn you this would happen?

·         How many times do I have to tell you...?

Here’s what you might say to insure your child’s anger, failure, or frustration as you see her facing the same challenge again:

·         Remember what happened last time you did this?

·         Don’t forget to …

·         See if you can get it right this time.

No matter what actual words are spoken, all of these hoverers send the underlying message, “You’re so dumb I have to remind you what you did – what to do.”  And, “You need me to save you.”

The key to a real learning experience is to give the child an unobstructed (uncoached) opportunity to succeed.  Saying nothing implies your confidence in the child, in his ability to remember and achieve.  Children live up to the adult’s expectation.

We have these chances every day.  It was John’s turn to make popcorn for his 5^th grade classmates.  Disinclined to read directions (or accept any), he released the paper bag from its cellophane cover and with an appropriate amount of bravado tossed it into the microwave.  Before long (actually 2 minutes) the smell of a learning experience wafted across the room.  His classmates were not disinclined to point out that charcoal is not an enjoyable snack.  The teacher said. “Gee, it’s tough when that happens,” knowing that John was smart enough to know what had happened and what should have happened.  He needed no one to reinforce his embarrassment, suggest a “plan B.” or even to give a directive for disposing of the evidence.  The derision on his peers was enough of a natural consequence for not reading directions.  Imagine his surprise (and the moans of his classmates) the next day when the teacher handed him another “opportunity.”  With no commentary, no warning, no reminders, no suggestions, the bag was placed into the hands of this astonished young man.  After carefully reading the directions, checking the second hand on his watch and summoning back-up from a fellow clock watcher, he eventually presented his astonished class with a perfectly popped treat.  A nod and a smile from the teacher let him know that she’d had complete confidence in his ability to succeed all along.  Proof, once again, that the best solution for every problem comes from the person who owns it. 

Ground those helicopters.  Problem + thinking=solution=growth!  Kids are great.  Let go ‘em and let ‘em grow.

Christie Clarke

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

2^nd Graders Answered These Questions

Why did God make mothers?

 1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us..

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean..

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We're related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.

2.. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.

4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.

Photo by Gil Feliciano

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it, not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Christie Clarke

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