Based on nearly 70 combined years of dealing with parents and children [their own and other's], this list is a practical compilation by Dr. Timothy Hayes [C&H Counseling Solutions: www.ch4cs.com} and Christie Clarke [Out-A-Box Parenting, Inc: www.outaboxparenting.com].
1. Stop, look, and listen – really listen - to your children.
2. Think [breathe, count, meditate, etc.] before you speak.
3. Speak firmly and kindly [not sarcastically] while setting enforceable limits.
4. Don’t be pulled into arguing, threatening, lecturing, warning.
5. CWC [Communicate When Calm] Don’t try reasoning with a child when either of you is upset or angry.
6. Give your children the gift of thinking and solving his/her own problems.
7. Ask lots and lots of questions – giving choices not commands.
8. Employ empathy first, and then deliver a consequence (not punishment).
9. Make sure you’re focusing on things you CAN control.
10. Model, model, model. Good behavior is caught, not taught!
How wonderful not to have to assimilate them all at once. Baby steps toward a happier home begin with the parents.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
The Power of the Placemat
In this world of drive-thrus, Hamburger Helper, and Lean Cuisine you might ask yourself how the lowly placemat can have a positive impact on families. Where else can you spend $1.29 on a medium which develops and expands concepts of:
• personal space
• responsibility
• precision
• reliability
• cooperation
• participation
• thoughtfulness
• initiative
• creativity
• learning
How can something be, at the same time, a landing pad and a launching pad? Sure, the family that eats together has fewer challenges down the road (purportedly more able to resist sex, drugs, and rock and roll). But who, outside of some grandparents, sees the correlation between character builders and setting the family table?
I recently observed a loving mom lean away from her intensely enthusiastic in-your-face 6 year old, saying “personal space, personal space” with a smile. They both laughed as the child backed off a little and continued the dialogue in a way that Mom was more comfortable. She told me later that they’d been working with this concept in the kindergartener’s classroom to help her understand her rights in a potential bullying situation.
“Great idea,” I thought, "and how much easier to understand – and visualize – if there were placements in their family." A living example of boundaries and respectful limits.
Although dining together is extremely beneficial, I’ve observed more and more families whose idea of a family dinner is simply occupying the same general area where food is placed, silverware is piled, napkins (or paper towels which are faster to grab) are tossed, and plates are stacked. I’m not advocating a formal silver service, suggesting “grace” or proposing the ringing of a dinner bell (although that IS better than screaming). Even when food is prepared with love and care, does this casual approach to food consumption garner the appreciation that’s deserved?
I watched not long ago as a 3 and 5 year old happily assumed the task of setting the table. The chance to choose the placemats [who cares if it’s Dora or Halloween?], decide where each person can sit, make little place cards, figure out where the forks go, practice folding napkins into various shapes … these are just a few of the opportunities for thinking that these oblong beauties provide. How about the chance to take turns, learn left from right, see equality in providing each diner with what they need, remembering, thoughtfulness, and the all-important opportunity for adults to approve of the child’s accomplishment?!
One family with fledgling readers considers a paper towel with the crayoned letter of each diner’s first name [carefully sounded out] to be a perfect placemat – with a colored sticker if there’s time! Forks and spoons rest there just as well as on grandma’s linens. An additional benefit is the lack of confusion when folks are called to the table. How many renditions of “Where do I sit” or “I don’t have a fork” or “There’s no salt” do you listen to each evening?
Of all the gifts we can give to our children, the urgently important one is the opportunity and ability to make decisions. When it’s time for parents to start turning over some responsibility to their kids, many parents realize that their children are struggling. Not because they’re slow or inept, but because they haven’t had many chances to practice making the little decisions that lead up to the important ones. “Do you want to sit next to Nani or Mommy tonight?” is infinitely easier to answer than, “Do you just try a little cocaine tonight?”
So while they’re still coming to the table, make it an opportunity for nourishment of body and soul. A more peaceful dinner, as sense of accomplishment, and character building –a menu of benefits and a recipe for success!
In this world of drive-thrus, Hamburger Helper, and Lean Cuisine you might ask yourself how the lowly placemat can have a positive impact on families. Where else can you spend $1.29 on a medium which develops and expands concepts of:
• personal space
• responsibility
• precision
• reliability
• cooperation
• participation
• thoughtfulness
• initiative
• creativity
• learning
How can something be, at the same time, a landing pad and a launching pad? Sure, the family that eats together has fewer challenges down the road (purportedly more able to resist sex, drugs, and rock and roll). But who, outside of some grandparents, sees the correlation between character builders and setting the family table?
I recently observed a loving mom lean away from her intensely enthusiastic in-your-face 6 year old, saying “personal space, personal space” with a smile. They both laughed as the child backed off a little and continued the dialogue in a way that Mom was more comfortable. She told me later that they’d been working with this concept in the kindergartener’s classroom to help her understand her rights in a potential bullying situation.
“Great idea,” I thought, "and how much easier to understand – and visualize – if there were placements in their family." A living example of boundaries and respectful limits.
Although dining together is extremely beneficial, I’ve observed more and more families whose idea of a family dinner is simply occupying the same general area where food is placed, silverware is piled, napkins (or paper towels which are faster to grab) are tossed, and plates are stacked. I’m not advocating a formal silver service, suggesting “grace” or proposing the ringing of a dinner bell (although that IS better than screaming). Even when food is prepared with love and care, does this casual approach to food consumption garner the appreciation that’s deserved?
I watched not long ago as a 3 and 5 year old happily assumed the task of setting the table. The chance to choose the placemats [who cares if it’s Dora or Halloween?], decide where each person can sit, make little place cards, figure out where the forks go, practice folding napkins into various shapes … these are just a few of the opportunities for thinking that these oblong beauties provide. How about the chance to take turns, learn left from right, see equality in providing each diner with what they need, remembering, thoughtfulness, and the all-important opportunity for adults to approve of the child’s accomplishment?!
One family with fledgling readers considers a paper towel with the crayoned letter of each diner’s first name [carefully sounded out] to be a perfect placemat – with a colored sticker if there’s time! Forks and spoons rest there just as well as on grandma’s linens. An additional benefit is the lack of confusion when folks are called to the table. How many renditions of “Where do I sit” or “I don’t have a fork” or “There’s no salt” do you listen to each evening?
Of all the gifts we can give to our children, the urgently important one is the opportunity and ability to make decisions. When it’s time for parents to start turning over some responsibility to their kids, many parents realize that their children are struggling. Not because they’re slow or inept, but because they haven’t had many chances to practice making the little decisions that lead up to the important ones. “Do you want to sit next to Nani or Mommy tonight?” is infinitely easier to answer than, “Do you just try a little cocaine tonight?”
So while they’re still coming to the table, make it an opportunity for nourishment of body and soul. A more peaceful dinner, as sense of accomplishment, and character building –a menu of benefits and a recipe for success!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHY, HOW MUCH Parenting
DON’T BE “THE HOARSE WHISPERER”
Many parents yell so much that they have no voice left to use for communicating about important things. If you want to be LISTENED TO, make sure that you haven’t already conditioned your children to dial you back - turn you off – tune you out. You’re hoarse, and the whispering isn’t working at all!
In a sincere attempt to grasp what her mother was trying to yell her (rather than tell her), a seventh grader said it the best: “You’re talking so loud, I can’t hear what you’re saying!”
Generally speaking, you’ll find that it’s not WHAT you say. It’s HOW you say it. Words only account for about 7% of our communication. The rest is tone, inflection, body language, facial gestures, etc. Do you address the child by name and wait to get his attention before moving forward? Or do you merely charge into the conversation/reminder/directive, becoming irritated because the child hasn’t focused or requires you to repeat the first part again? Give and take is so much more rewarding (and less stressful) with a pair of willing and engaged participants.
Some of us are familiar with the parody of the “ugly American” tourist who thinks that he can better communicate with a non-English speaker by continuing to ratchet up the level of his voice. No reports of that working successfully thus far. And yet many parents repeat the same command over and over, merely increasing the volume, in hopes that somehow higher decibels equals understandability.
It’s also WHEN you say it. Are you trying to make a point when either you or the child is upset? When either is angry, the “fight or flight” reflex in the brain is triggered. This literally (and chemically) overrides the reasoning portion of the brain. This is a lesson in futility and frustration. When was it ever effective to reason with a drunk? If someone is drunk on emotion or upset, you can’t expect good results either. Take a breath, count to ten, repeat the alphabet backwards, change the location (of you or the child), or do whatever allows calm to prevail - and try again later when things aren’t emotionally charged.
And HOW MANY times you say it. The child who has been trained to expect [or has trained his parent to give him] 1, 2, or 3 chances to comply with a request or expectation doesn’t have a hearing problem. He has a conditioning problem. The little tyke who is sooooo adorable as she awaits her third warning before acquiescing to a parental request to put on her shoes, is ill equipped to deal with real world situations which require immediate or consistent compliance. Driving drunk, failing to file income tax, cheating on an exam, running that red light are a few of the many situations where a “do over” is not an option.
The WHY is important. Because I’m your father, that’s why! - Because I’m the boss! - I don’t need to give you a reason! - Because I said so! …aren’t real reasons. They’re frustrated, usually angry, responses. The message they deliver is, “I’ve reached the end of my parenting rope. I’ve run out of skills. You’re making me upset, so you’re a bad kid.”
On the other hand, a parent that knows that keeping kids safe, leading by example, preparing them for the real world, allowing them to make mistakes by which they’re learning life lessons – that is the parent who is being a responsible adult and raising a responsible child.
So if something is going to come out of your mouth, make it count. You are the WHO that can make it happen by mastering the WHAT, WHEN, HOW MANY, and WHY of communicating…with your child, your spouse, your employer, your employee. All of us!
Many parents yell so much that they have no voice left to use for communicating about important things. If you want to be LISTENED TO, make sure that you haven’t already conditioned your children to dial you back - turn you off – tune you out. You’re hoarse, and the whispering isn’t working at all!
In a sincere attempt to grasp what her mother was trying to yell her (rather than tell her), a seventh grader said it the best: “You’re talking so loud, I can’t hear what you’re saying!”
Generally speaking, you’ll find that it’s not WHAT you say. It’s HOW you say it. Words only account for about 7% of our communication. The rest is tone, inflection, body language, facial gestures, etc. Do you address the child by name and wait to get his attention before moving forward? Or do you merely charge into the conversation/reminder/directive, becoming irritated because the child hasn’t focused or requires you to repeat the first part again? Give and take is so much more rewarding (and less stressful) with a pair of willing and engaged participants.
Some of us are familiar with the parody of the “ugly American” tourist who thinks that he can better communicate with a non-English speaker by continuing to ratchet up the level of his voice. No reports of that working successfully thus far. And yet many parents repeat the same command over and over, merely increasing the volume, in hopes that somehow higher decibels equals understandability.
It’s also WHEN you say it. Are you trying to make a point when either you or the child is upset? When either is angry, the “fight or flight” reflex in the brain is triggered. This literally (and chemically) overrides the reasoning portion of the brain. This is a lesson in futility and frustration. When was it ever effective to reason with a drunk? If someone is drunk on emotion or upset, you can’t expect good results either. Take a breath, count to ten, repeat the alphabet backwards, change the location (of you or the child), or do whatever allows calm to prevail - and try again later when things aren’t emotionally charged.
And HOW MANY times you say it. The child who has been trained to expect [or has trained his parent to give him] 1, 2, or 3 chances to comply with a request or expectation doesn’t have a hearing problem. He has a conditioning problem. The little tyke who is sooooo adorable as she awaits her third warning before acquiescing to a parental request to put on her shoes, is ill equipped to deal with real world situations which require immediate or consistent compliance. Driving drunk, failing to file income tax, cheating on an exam, running that red light are a few of the many situations where a “do over” is not an option.
The WHY is important. Because I’m your father, that’s why! - Because I’m the boss! - I don’t need to give you a reason! - Because I said so! …aren’t real reasons. They’re frustrated, usually angry, responses. The message they deliver is, “I’ve reached the end of my parenting rope. I’ve run out of skills. You’re making me upset, so you’re a bad kid.”
On the other hand, a parent that knows that keeping kids safe, leading by example, preparing them for the real world, allowing them to make mistakes by which they’re learning life lessons – that is the parent who is being a responsible adult and raising a responsible child.
So if something is going to come out of your mouth, make it count. You are the WHO that can make it happen by mastering the WHAT, WHEN, HOW MANY, and WHY of communicating…with your child, your spouse, your employer, your employee. All of us!
Friday, February 5, 2010
Happy?
Just received the following from a friend: “When I was in grade school, they told me to write down what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down happy. They told me I didn't understand the assignment. I told them they didn't understand life.”
My grandmother always told me: "Happy is as happy does."
Parents' most consistently and universally stated desire for their child(ren) is happiness. I'm wondering how many are in fact living the happiness they wish [and could be modeling] for their children.
Although many may consider this a rather subjective quality, I would suggest that it may well consist in the simple appreciation of the good they see [or should/could/might see] all around them...a voiced awareness that:
• "We came to eight green lights and only 2 red ones."
• "I love when I remember to bring my gloves."
• “Wow! Clean, fluffy towels!”
• "Birds are singing today. They must be happy."
• “Great! Free refills!”
• "Wasn't it nice that the neighbor shoveled the walk for us?"
Or it could be in the form of a question which generates even more thoughtfulness. This also brings the positive assumption that the child has ideas [and solutions] of their own:
• “What’s the good news?” [about a difficult or sad situation].
• “What was the best part of your day?”
• “What would be better – to wear your coat or carry it?”
• “Aren’t we lucky to have a nice warm house to live in?”
• “How could we make this problem better, friend happier, day brighter?”
Positive focus - and its resultant happiness - is a gift we can give to our children only by living it ourselves first. It’s astonishing how, when we put our attention [intention] on the good news, it becomes magnified in our lives and the lives of those around us. Perhaps it’s as simple as appreciating the good that’s already here. And that makes room for more.
So, flex your happiness muscle. Be alert, aware, and appreciative. DO be a part of the “happy is” team, and watch the world become a better place - one smile at a time!
My grandmother always told me: "Happy is as happy does."
Parents' most consistently and universally stated desire for their child(ren) is happiness. I'm wondering how many are in fact living the happiness they wish [and could be modeling] for their children.
Although many may consider this a rather subjective quality, I would suggest that it may well consist in the simple appreciation of the good they see [or should/could/might see] all around them...a voiced awareness that:
• "We came to eight green lights and only 2 red ones."
• "I love when I remember to bring my gloves."
• “Wow! Clean, fluffy towels!”
• "Birds are singing today. They must be happy."
• “Great! Free refills!”
• "Wasn't it nice that the neighbor shoveled the walk for us?"
Or it could be in the form of a question which generates even more thoughtfulness. This also brings the positive assumption that the child has ideas [and solutions] of their own:
• “What’s the good news?” [about a difficult or sad situation].
• “What was the best part of your day?”
• “What would be better – to wear your coat or carry it?”
• “Aren’t we lucky to have a nice warm house to live in?”
• “How could we make this problem better, friend happier, day brighter?”
Positive focus - and its resultant happiness - is a gift we can give to our children only by living it ourselves first. It’s astonishing how, when we put our attention [intention] on the good news, it becomes magnified in our lives and the lives of those around us. Perhaps it’s as simple as appreciating the good that’s already here. And that makes room for more.
So, flex your happiness muscle. Be alert, aware, and appreciative. DO be a part of the “happy is” team, and watch the world become a better place - one smile at a time!
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