WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHY, HOW MUCH Parenting

DON’T BE “THE HOARSE WHISPERER”

Many parents yell so much that they have no voice left to use for communicating about important things. If you want to be LISTENED TO, make sure that you haven’t already conditioned your children to dial you back - turn you off – tune you out. You’re hoarse, and the whispering isn’t working at all!

In a sincere attempt to grasp what her mother was trying to yell her (rather than tell her), a seventh grader said it the best: “You’re talking so loud, I can’t hear what you’re saying!”

Generally speaking, you’ll find that it’s not WHAT you say. It’s HOW you say it. Words only account for about 7% of our communication. The rest is tone, inflection, body language, facial gestures, etc. Do you address the child by name and wait to get his attention before moving forward? Or do you merely charge into the conversation/reminder/directive, becoming irritated because the child hasn’t focused or requires you to repeat the first part again? Give and take is so much more rewarding (and less stressful) with a pair of willing and engaged participants.

Some of us are familiar with the parody of the “ugly American” tourist who thinks that he can better communicate with a non-English speaker by continuing to ratchet up the level of his voice. No reports of that working successfully thus far. And yet many parents repeat the same command over and over, merely increasing the volume, in hopes that somehow higher decibels equals understandability.

It’s also WHEN you say it. Are you trying to make a point when either you or the child is upset? When either is angry, the “fight or flight” reflex in the brain is triggered. This literally (and chemically) overrides the reasoning portion of the brain. This is a lesson in futility and frustration. When was it ever effective to reason with a drunk? If someone is drunk on emotion or upset, you can’t expect good results either. Take a breath, count to ten, repeat the alphabet backwards, change the location (of you or the child), or do whatever allows calm to prevail - and try again later when things aren’t emotionally charged.

And HOW MANY times you say it. The child who has been trained to expect [or has trained his parent to give him] 1, 2, or 3 chances to comply with a request or expectation doesn’t have a hearing problem. He has a conditioning problem. The little tyke who is sooooo adorable as she awaits her third warning before acquiescing to a parental request to put on her shoes, is ill equipped to deal with real world situations which require immediate or consistent compliance. Driving drunk, failing to file income tax, cheating on an exam, running that red light are a few of the many situations where a “do over” is not an option.

The WHY is important. Because I’m your father, that’s why! - Because I’m the boss! - I don’t need to give you a reason! - Because I said so! …aren’t real reasons. They’re frustrated, usually angry, responses. The message they deliver is, “I’ve reached the end of my parenting rope. I’ve run out of skills. You’re making me upset, so you’re a bad kid.”

On the other hand, a parent that knows that keeping kids safe, leading by example, preparing them for the real world, allowing them to make mistakes by which they’re learning life lessons – that is the parent who is being a responsible adult and raising a responsible child.

So if something is going to come out of your mouth, make it count. You are the WHO that can make it happen by mastering the WHAT, WHEN, HOW MANY, and WHY of communicating…with your child, your spouse, your employer, your employee. All of us!

Happy?

Just received the following from a friend: “When I was in grade school, they told me to write down what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down happy. They told me I didn't understand the assignment. I told them they didn't understand life.”

My grandmother always told me: "Happy is as happy does."

Parents' most consistently and universally stated desire for their child(ren) is happiness. I'm wondering how many are in fact living the happiness they wish [and could be modeling] for their children.

Although many may consider this a rather subjective quality, I would suggest that it may well consist in the simple appreciation of the good they see [or should/could/might see] all around them...a voiced awareness that:
• "We came to eight green lights and only 2 red ones."
• "I love when I remember to bring my gloves."
• “Wow! Clean, fluffy towels!”
• "Birds are singing today. They must be happy."
• “Great! Free refills!”
• "Wasn't it nice that the neighbor shoveled the walk for us?"

Or it could be in the form of a question which generates even more thoughtfulness. This also brings the positive assumption that the child has ideas [and solutions] of their own:
• “What’s the good news?” [about a difficult or sad situation].
• “What was the best part of your day?”
• “What would be better – to wear your coat or carry it?”
• “Aren’t we lucky to have a nice warm house to live in?”
• “How could we make this problem better, friend happier, day brighter?”

Positive focus - and its resultant happiness - is a gift we can give to our children only by living it ourselves first. It’s astonishing how, when we put our attention [intention] on the good news, it becomes magnified in our lives and the lives of those around us. Perhaps it’s as simple as appreciating the good that’s already here. And that makes room for more.

So, flex your happiness muscle. Be alert, aware, and appreciative. DO be a part of the “happy is” team, and watch the world become a better place - one smile at a time!