I followed an interesting license plate today: "IMRYTE 1"
Have you ever found yourself dealing with this person? Where do you go from there when someone's taken this stance? What transpires next? Does this approach inspire commraderie or defiance? Communication or defensiveness? Openness or intimidation? Confidence or trepidation? And we wonder why our relationships [work, family, and others] aren't what we'd like them to be? Why people around us are "shut down," sullen, uncooperative?
How alert we should be that we aren't inadvertantly projecting this sentiment - particularly to our children!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
"Teach 'em to Listen!"
I was prepping to begin another parenting workshop series: Cue cards? Check. Print-outs? Check. Workbooks? Check. Projector, speakers, catalogues? Check and double check. Articles on everything from manners to money matters had been gathered into their proper place. My 5 year old granddaughter watched with great interest. “What ‘cha doin,’ Nani?”
I told her that sometimes mommies and daddies liked to get together and learn new ideas to make their families happier – sort of like she learned things in school. “Being a parent is a really important job – and it can be hard.”
She nodded in agreement and seemed proud that I could help do something so important!
“What kind of stuff are you gonna talk about?” she asked. We looked together at the various slides of the power point that provide discussion starters around such topics as giving choices rather than commands, the difference between punishment and consequences, asking questions, dealing with sibling rivalry, how to stay calm, better ways to deal with bed time, clean rooms, home work, responsibility, etc. , etc.
I thought it was a pretty exhaustive [if exhausting] list which had always been greeted with great enthusiasm and appreciation by attending parents. So I was surprised to notice how disappointed she seemed. Feeling that there must be something I was missing, I asked her, “If you were teaching this class, what would YOU want the parents to learn?”
With genuine appreciation at having been asked - and without a moment’s hesitation - she responded, “You need to teach ‘em to listen!”
She referenced the old adage for crossing a train track: STOP, LOOK, and LISTEN. Her parents listened to her, but she’d observed that her friend’s parents didn’t always do such a good job. And who of us doesn’t want to be heard?!
At five years of age, she knew intuitively the primal import of this maxim. For effective communication:
STOP other things you’re doing [which includes all technology devices]. Dedicate the time necessary to, and deserved by, your children.
LOOK – really look – into the eyes of the child and make the connection. There’s a reason eyes are referred to as windows of the soul.
LISTEN for the response, input, or questions surrounding the issue at hand. This willingness to actually hear what’s being said, opens the heart.
When done with patience and humility, this powerhouse axiom turns a monologue into a dialogue, reinforces mutual respect, encourages independent thought, and establishes relationships. Parents of a three year old might wonder about the importance of these benefits. Parents of a sixteen year old don’t!
Besides the lowering the volume level and the elevating the harmony factor in the home, parents who listen TO their kids are the ones that are listened to BY their kids. Because of good modeling, raised parental voices that once shouted; “Look at me when I’m speaking to you!” OR “Why don’t you ever listen?!” OR “Put down that IPod,( IPad, IPhone)!” - can be replaced with a simple, gentle question. “Is that how I treat [listen to, talk to, respond to} you?”
So, thanks to my willingness to listen to Madison, newly skilled parents in my classes are now treated to this profoundly simple analogy. Some are even rumored to have strategically placed clipart of that familiar crossing sign (or its brightly colored cousin, the traffic light) as a visible reminder of this wonderful set of skills. And, as with any solid, foundational principle, there are whispers of its utility with spouses, in-laws, neighbors, service personnel, employers and people ad infinitum.
Ahhhh! The joy of good communication!!
I told her that sometimes mommies and daddies liked to get together and learn new ideas to make their families happier – sort of like she learned things in school. “Being a parent is a really important job – and it can be hard.”
She nodded in agreement and seemed proud that I could help do something so important!
“What kind of stuff are you gonna talk about?” she asked. We looked together at the various slides of the power point that provide discussion starters around such topics as giving choices rather than commands, the difference between punishment and consequences, asking questions, dealing with sibling rivalry, how to stay calm, better ways to deal with bed time, clean rooms, home work, responsibility, etc. , etc.
I thought it was a pretty exhaustive [if exhausting] list which had always been greeted with great enthusiasm and appreciation by attending parents. So I was surprised to notice how disappointed she seemed. Feeling that there must be something I was missing, I asked her, “If you were teaching this class, what would YOU want the parents to learn?”
With genuine appreciation at having been asked - and without a moment’s hesitation - she responded, “You need to teach ‘em to listen!”
She referenced the old adage for crossing a train track: STOP, LOOK, and LISTEN. Her parents listened to her, but she’d observed that her friend’s parents didn’t always do such a good job. And who of us doesn’t want to be heard?!
At five years of age, she knew intuitively the primal import of this maxim. For effective communication:
STOP other things you’re doing [which includes all technology devices]. Dedicate the time necessary to, and deserved by, your children.
LOOK – really look – into the eyes of the child and make the connection. There’s a reason eyes are referred to as windows of the soul.
LISTEN for the response, input, or questions surrounding the issue at hand. This willingness to actually hear what’s being said, opens the heart.
When done with patience and humility, this powerhouse axiom turns a monologue into a dialogue, reinforces mutual respect, encourages independent thought, and establishes relationships. Parents of a three year old might wonder about the importance of these benefits. Parents of a sixteen year old don’t!
Besides the lowering the volume level and the elevating the harmony factor in the home, parents who listen TO their kids are the ones that are listened to BY their kids. Because of good modeling, raised parental voices that once shouted; “Look at me when I’m speaking to you!” OR “Why don’t you ever listen?!” OR “Put down that IPod,( IPad, IPhone)!” - can be replaced with a simple, gentle question. “Is that how I treat [listen to, talk to, respond to} you?”
So, thanks to my willingness to listen to Madison, newly skilled parents in my classes are now treated to this profoundly simple analogy. Some are even rumored to have strategically placed clipart of that familiar crossing sign (or its brightly colored cousin, the traffic light) as a visible reminder of this wonderful set of skills. And, as with any solid, foundational principle, there are whispers of its utility with spouses, in-laws, neighbors, service personnel, employers and people ad infinitum.
Ahhhh! The joy of good communication!!
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