Some of the best insights I’ve gotten into parenting skills have come from the kids themselves. You can do your own survey. You’ll probably get more simple and unbiased answers from kids, but you can ask ANYONE what they really need to “sense” an attachment to another human being.
I found myself conducting ongoing, informal research on the question, “What should I teach parents?” I say “informal” because I was not aware that my questioning would add up to conducting a survey as I casually queried children of various ages how I could help their mommies and daddies (or their “moms” and “dads”) do a better job.
I share these observations as a way to develop and enhance relationships and promote better communication, thereby encouraging more positive results [behavior].
HEARING:
A four year old was my first respondent, whose instant and enthusiastic response was, “tell ‘em to listen!” This is a universal theme: there’s not enough time; we’re always rushing; they talk so loud [or so much] that I can’t hear them. Not surprisingly this cry is echoed by parents about their kids, spouses about each other, employees about employers!
In the past years this chronic problem has been exacerbated by the onslaught of technology. At the restaurant, check out the booth next to you. You’ll see parents [and probably kids] who are plugged in to someone or something far removed. Watch texting parents crossing the street or parking lot with little ones following behind like ducklings. Whether kids are in the car, at the table, on the playground, in the shopping cart, or in the bath tub - chances are good their parents are there only in body.
SIGHT:
This is a natural extension of the technology block. Many children feel they’ve become invisible. A 7 year old told me she felt her dad never really looked at her. “He’s really tall and he’s always in a hurry.” Taking the time to get down on the level of that child is a huge step toward actually connecting. And chances are good that if you’re trying to give a directive, you’ll only have to say it once from this position. The analogy of the eyes being the window to the soul is an apt one. All we need to do to communicate better sometimes, is to bend our knees a little. Breathing deeply and looking through the lens of love or patience, rather than that of anger or haste is another way of improving the outcome of our interactions.
TOUCH [FEELING]:
Empathy is the big one here. “My mom doesn’t know how I feel.” Or “My dad can’t remember what it feels like to be a kid.” These are often a child’s reality and result in a sense of disconnectedness…and resultant misbehavior. An understanding comment [ideally preceded by a nice deep breath], might sound like, I never thought about it like that. Thanks for sharing that with me. Wow – I hate when that happens to me. I’ll bet that hurts. Sincerely delivered, these can go a long way toward defusing reactivity and anger, thus building the bridges of communication.
Added to the positive emotion of feeling, the physical nature of touch - a gentle pat on the shoulder, a hug on the way out the door, a welcoming kiss home – provide that life-giving connection which fosters mutual care and compassion.
SMELL:
It might be the cautious “something smells fishy in Denmark” odor or the “take time to smell the roses” fragrance. Parenting provides us with both scents…and more. “Wake up and smell the coffee” might be our reminder that something needs closer attention, rather than just waiting for a situation to get better. This is often an aroma associated with our teens. Whatever comes wafting our way and wherever we are on this journey, the whole experience goes by so quickly that it needs to be savored as best we can. Even if the best we can do on some days is to just move upwind and look for the roses.
TASTE:
I often hear parents wondering if they’ve bitten off more than they can chew. The ability to savor the experience is similar to that of enjoying a multicourse meal.
1) Allow enough time. [Be patient with yourself and your kids.]
2) Realize that if you’re not really enjoying the soup course, the salad’s coming, and that might be really great! Of course the salad might be worse, so try to appreciate the soup, just in case! And know that ultimately, if we play our cards right, there’s dessert. [They grow up and invite us over to their house!]
3) Be sure you have the right implements [parenting skills] to be able to enjoy the meal. [Hacking at the soft butter with a huge carving knife, is as effective as “drill instructor” parents bellowing commands: Get that homework done now, or else! Where they might more easily and effectively give a choice: Were you thinking of doing your homework before or after your chores? As long as there are two options that are both acceptable to the parent, they’re poised for success rather than an argument.]
4) Take small bites and chew thoroughly. [Don’t rush it. These are life lessons. Performing the Heimlich maneuver is not enjoyable experience literally or figuratively.]
5) Try to remember your manners. [We are, after all, our children’s ultimate role models. They will follow our lead…even if we don’t want them to!]
6) Clean up after yourself. [Mistakes happen. Apologies not only mend fences (and hearts) but are good examples for our kids to follow.]
The 5 senses are good reminders for successful and more enjoyable parenting. Perhaps it’s as simple as what your grandmother always told you. When in doubt, just follow the Golden Rule:
Treat others the way you would like to be treated.
How sensible.
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