We’ve
been warned plenty about pandemics. But there’s
different kind of a plague which cuts across cultures, economic strata, and
religious boundaries. It’s taken its
toll in schools, churches, and homes across continents and oceans. This insidious
affliction immobilizes, frustrates, and exhausts victims, turning them against
each other - and against themselves. It’s THE
TOO’S !
I’m too
rushed/too methodical; too “hyper”/too depressed. I have too many ideas/too little direction. I'm too fat/too thin; too young/too old; too
dumb to understand/too smart for my own good.
I'm too gregarious/too quiet; too assertive/too passive. I have
too many demands on my time/too much time on my hands; too little compassion/too
much drive.
Running
a business, expanding a circle of friends, developing a game plan, establishing
priorities, managing a family, nourishing a relationship, balancing a
checkbook, understanding a relative, preparing for a presentation…the list is
endless. Rather than taking the time to center, meditate, pray, or make a home in the breathing, we tend to push
ahead and pass along this infection to our children. It does, after all, appear to be very
contagious.
As
parents – whether we identify ourselves as helicopters or drill instructors (the
most common types) – we tend to do too
much TO and FOR our children.
Too
much:
•
Talking
•
Judging
•
Directing
•
Assisting
•
Criticizing
•
Explaining
•
Improving
•
Rescuing
•
Ordering
•
Lecturing
•
Serving
•
Commanding
•
Bossing
•
Helping
•
Micromanaging
•
Saving
•
Bullying
This
collection of maladies has its origin in the attempt to DO IT ALL. It’s parents trying to run their own lives
while taking responsibility for everyone else’s too. The result is overwhelm and burnout for
the adult - heartbreak and resentment for the child.
The
solution is to share the load. Share the
responsibility. Share the control.
How
about replacing these too’s with some
character developers and responsibility builders?
How
about allowing children to learn and grow through:
- Questioning
- Decision making
- Thinking
- Choice making
Unless parents plan on having their kids live with them forever, they
would do well to begin early on to break themselves of this insidious
affliction of Too-itis. Parents can unhook from old patterns and
master the skill of letting children actually think and come up with
conclusions, ideas, solutions, and – ultimately – an increased sense of
self-esteem.
Rather
than offering to “help” [unstated implication: you can’t do it without me], a
thoughtful parent might say, “After you’ve tried, let me know if you need any
assistance.”
Rather
than asking, “How many times have I told you to clean your room?!” [not a real
question, anyway], Mom could announce that kids with clean rooms will be
allowed to view the Netflix selection that evening.
Rather
than giving a command [implication: you’re too dumb to know what to do without
me telling you}, a wise adult might ask, “Were you going to do that before or
after dinner?”
Rather
than lecturing on the importance of doing homework [implication: you can’t
remember the other 20 times I’ve told you this], a smart parent casually
observes that he’ll love his child no matter how long it takes him to graduate
from sixth grade.
Parents
have so many different ways in which they can model the respect they so long to
have manifested toward them. All it
takes is a pause to think before speaking and a willingness to try a different
approach. Break those old habits, and,
oh joy! Who would ever have thought respect
could be such an effective cure for the terrible too’s? Let alone having an
antidotal effect on whining, defiance, and arguing as well. Plague eliminated. Balance restored. Thinking established. Control shared. It’s a win-win for everyone!
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