MUSICAL POTTY TRAINING

SONGS make it easier for kids to listen, even to directives…and it doesn’t have to be to any tune in particular. You can make it up as you go.  Any hand gestures the two of you come up with to reinforce the action are beneficial and make it interactive.  Even if they can’t [or don’t choose to] sing the words, kids can participate in the actions.  After singing it several times slowly with them, pause for (or eliminate) the last rhyming word to let the child fill it in.  Sort of like that children’s favorite:  B I N G O!

[to “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star”]

Tinkle, tinkle, little Max.

I don’t tinkle in my pants.

Tinkle, tinkle in the pot.

I will tinkle there a lot.

Tinkle, tinkle, little Max.

 I don’t tinkle in my pants.

[to “London Bridge is Falling Down”] 

Hands and feet are to myself,

To myself,

To myself.

Hands and feet are to myself.

I’m sweet Maxie. [or “I’m so gentle”]

(fold hands across chest like hugging self)

Having had a few musical interventions, you’ll find that just beginning to hum can bring the desired results.  After all it’s just a reminder and you’ve probably been wise enough to practice a little – with a smile!  And what is more effective: commanding or singing?  How can a child argue with a song?  It’s hard to resist the joy of music.  

WANNA’ TRADE?

Our super sized super markets are amazing.  You can find almost anything you need from frozen peas to feathered ferns, but who would have thought you could get a new kid there?  And yet that’s where I got an offer just the other day.

Having raised four daughters and spent several decades doing the WD, I decided there had to be something better.  The “WD” is the whiners dance.  It requires more than one person but no music or particular choreography.  It’s all verbal and sounds like this:

Adult: “Don’t whine at me.”

Child: “I’m not whinnnnnnnning.”

A: “Yes, you are.  I know whining when I hear it.”

C: “You aren’t listennnnnnning right.”

A: “Don’t tell m what I’m doing.  You’d better not take that tone with me!”

C: “WHAT tone?  This is my regular voice!”

A: “How many times have I told you to treat me with respect?!  [Not really a question.] Your sister doesn’t talk like that!”

C:"You always take HER side.  If you knew what she was doing behind your back, you wouldn’t think whining was so bad!”

[Voices rising, solutions disappearing, relationships suffering, everyone losing]

Fast forward to a new generation (my grands) and new approach.  Rather than complaining about the noise, I posed a question to 5 and 8 year old sisters when things were calm.  [Don’t discuss things when folks are upset.]  “Did you notice that there’s been a lot of whining around here lately?”  Then I waited for an answer.

When they replied in the positive (astonished that an adult would ask such a question], I asked my next question: “What do you think we could do about it?”

After a considerable amount of thinking and discussion, the girls decided it would be okay to have a reminder in the form of a signal.  “We’d rather have that than be bossed around.”  And a 3-fingered “W” held to the chin was agreed upon.  Practice ensued and this play acting made it seem fun to have a silent reminder.  It worked like a charm for the two weeks prior to our shopping excursion.

The three of us walked happily through one of the sets of glass doors that opened to receive us.  Next to us another family came clattering in with children of similar ages, but these girls had chosen “the whine” to communicate AT their mom.  It was dinner time and she was trying to hold it together, but the sound level was going up, and things were unraveling right there in the store’s entry.   I felt sorry for this beleaguered mom who was trying to placate whined demands without success.  It was sort of like watching someone reasoning with a drunk. ..and the kids were drunk with power.

Thinking to offer our family’s new solution to this chronic problem, I walked the few paces that separated us.  This is not something I have done before, so I had no idea what to expect.  As I approached she checked out my happy granddaughters and virtually shouted at me, “WILL YOU TRADE ME ONE OF YOURS FOR ONE OF MINE?!” 

Perfect chance for us to share our “W” signal solution…complete with a demo by the girls! “Brilliant!  You’ve probably saved their lives!” was Mom’s response. 

“If the ‘Big W’ goes unheeded,” I told her,” there’s a simple back-up plan.  Just look calmly at the perpetrator, take a big breath, and say calmly and quietly, ‘I’ll be glad to listen when your voice sounds like mine.’”

That last line got me hugged–right there in the supermarket! 

Guess she decided not to trade me kids after all.

I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH TO FIGHT

One recent parent workshop focus was on simple but powerful “defusing” skills…offering a brief, empathetic phrase, rather than getting pulled into an argument – or worse! 

Participants were introduced to some 1-liners borrowed from Becoming a Love & Logic Parent © program and added to by each successive workshop:

·        Oh, no!

·        How sad!

·        Thanks for sharing.

·        Love ya’ too much to argue.

·        I never thought about it like that.

·        Bummer!

·        That’s tough.

·        What are you gonna do about that?

·        I hate when that happens to me.

·        I’ll bet that feels terrible.

People generally find a phrase with which they feel more comfortable…modifying it to their particular situation or personality.  Remembering to breathe is the skill which allows us to pause and remember to use one of these new interventions, rather than reverting to old patterns.  A mom reflected, “It gives me a moment to recall that I’m in charge of myself.”  A military dad puts it a little more directly, “It keeps me from screaming at ‘em!”  Whatever the reasoning, practice is required to deliver this message without sarcasm or an angry countenance. 

Years ago a participant in a parenting class suggested [with great vigor] that I “Put those sayings on a little card so I can laminate it and carry it around in my pocket and pull it out so I can remember not to yell at my kid!”   Ever since then I’ve shared this little list of empathetic statements with all the members of my classes…and neighbors, irate airline passengers, preschool teachers, high schools counselors, grandparents, etc. 

One father of a really tough teen had exhausted all his threatening, bullying, yelling “skills” which he had inherited from his father.  Ready for something else, he looked thoughtfully at the little card he was holding. 

I could tell he had his doubts, but was willing to give it a shot.  He walked out of the room with obvious skepticism and squinty eyes.

Next week’s entrance into the room brought wide eyes and a face full of joyous disbelief.  The description of a near disaster was shared with interested classmates.  His son had been furious about some issue prior to leaving for school.  Dad’s fear was that he might fall back into previous patterns of heated verbal exchanges which looked like they could actually come to blows.  But this time was different.  Dad took a deep breath and pulled out his “magic card” which he attempted to share with his son.  Pointing at the phrase that resonated with him, Dad read slowly, “I love you too much to fight with you.”  Rather than congratulating him on his new parenting skills, the boy snatched the card from his hands, tore it in half, and stormed out to door…card fluttering to the floor.

Looking for the good news, we were reminded that:  the argument ended; Dad “didn’t go there” [take the bait]; good modeling had been done; and a cool head had prevailed.  More good news came later.  When his son returned from school he taped the card back together, handed it back to his dad and apologized.  “I love you too, Dad” came with a hug that sealed the deal, mended the hurt, and put this pair back on the same team. 

Dad’s summary: “His behaviour improved at least 40% right there and gets better all the time.  I’m learning to respond, rather than react.  Those phrases are magical!  I don’t have to argue and fight.  I just need to keep breathing.”