I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH TO FIGHT

One recent parent workshop focus was on simple but powerful “defusing” skills…offering a brief, empathetic phrase, rather than getting pulled into an argument – or worse! 

Participants were introduced to some 1-liners borrowed from Becoming a Love & Logic Parent © program and added to by each successive workshop:

·        Oh, no!

·        How sad!

·        Thanks for sharing.

·        Love ya’ too much to argue.

·        I never thought about it like that.

·        Bummer!

·        That’s tough.

·        What are you gonna do about that?

·        I hate when that happens to me.

·        I’ll bet that feels terrible.

People generally find a phrase with which they feel more comfortable…modifying it to their particular situation or personality.  Remembering to breathe is the skill which allows us to pause and remember to use one of these new interventions, rather than reverting to old patterns.  A mom reflected, “It gives me a moment to recall that I’m in charge of myself.”  A military dad puts it a little more directly, “It keeps me from screaming at ‘em!”  Whatever the reasoning, practice is required to deliver this message without sarcasm or an angry countenance. 

Years ago a participant in a parenting class suggested [with great vigor] that I “Put those sayings on a little card so I can laminate it and carry it around in my pocket and pull it out so I can remember not to yell at my kid!”   Ever since then I’ve shared this little list of empathetic statements with all the members of my classes…and neighbors, irate airline passengers, preschool teachers, high schools counselors, grandparents, etc. 

One father of a really tough teen had exhausted all his threatening, bullying, yelling “skills” which he had inherited from his father.  Ready for something else, he looked thoughtfully at the little card he was holding. 

I could tell he had his doubts, but was willing to give it a shot.  He walked out of the room with obvious skepticism and squinty eyes.

Next week’s entrance into the room brought wide eyes and a face full of joyous disbelief.  The description of a near disaster was shared with interested classmates.  His son had been furious about some issue prior to leaving for school.  Dad’s fear was that he might fall back into previous patterns of heated verbal exchanges which looked like they could actually come to blows.  But this time was different.  Dad took a deep breath and pulled out his “magic card” which he attempted to share with his son.  Pointing at the phrase that resonated with him, Dad read slowly, “I love you too much to fight with you.”  Rather than congratulating him on his new parenting skills, the boy snatched the card from his hands, tore it in half, and stormed out to door…card fluttering to the floor.

Looking for the good news, we were reminded that:  the argument ended; Dad “didn’t go there” [take the bait]; good modeling had been done; and a cool head had prevailed.  More good news came later.  When his son returned from school he taped the card back together, handed it back to his dad and apologized.  “I love you too, Dad” came with a hug that sealed the deal, mended the hurt, and put this pair back on the same team. 

Dad’s summary: “His behaviour improved at least 40% right there and gets better all the time.  I’m learning to respond, rather than react.  Those phrases are magical!  I don’t have to argue and fight.  I just need to keep breathing.”