THE BULLY BUTTON

One of my most effective “parent training tools” is my “NO!” button.  Initially I saw this big red button [a take-off of the Staple’s “EASY” BUTTON] in a Learning Express store.  I pushed it tentatively only to hear abrasive, irritating, intimidating, sarcastic, repetitive versions of that negative word.  The other shoppers turned around in disgust to find the source of this abusive command.  It didn’t go home with me that day.  I didn’t even want it in my environment.  But the more I listened to parents in Wal-Mart and on TV sitcoms and on playgrounds and even teachers in classrooms, the more convinced I became that this is probably how we sometimes sound to the children in our lives. 

Then we wonder why our kids are defiant, fearful, distant, or bellicose AND why that word so frequently emanates from their mouths too…to us, to siblings, to playmates.  It’s important to realize that some of the interactions done in the name of discipline put us in the position of bully.  Children don’t have to be physically threatened or beaten to be bullied.  Listen to the adults as they interact with [or more accurately “attack”] their kids.  Realize that most of the anger and frustration associated with child rearing comes from the fact that we’re trying to control someone other than ourselves.

There is a way to break this habit.  Show your child that you can be more creative and thoughtful than just saying [screaming?] NO.  Virtually any negative response can be reformulated or redirected:

No, you can’t have your brother’s ball – can become - What else would you like to play with?

No, you can’t eat more cake – can become- We have apples or grapes.

No, I’m not going to drive you to your friend’s house – can become – What other ways can you get there?

No, you’re not getting more allowance – can become – I hand out allowance every Saturday.

Brain research has shown that directives beginning with the negative DON’T aren’t processed properly and the word “don’t” may even be blocked completely.  So consider your [creative and positive] options:

Rather than saying, Don’t run in the house – try – Walk.

Rather than, Don’t hit your sister – try – Gentle hands.

Rather than, Don’t be late for dinner – try – We’re eating at 5.  Hope you’re there.

Rather than, Don’t take that tone with me – try – I’ll listen when your voice is as calm as mine.

Rather than, Don’t forget to turn in your field trip permission slip – try – Kids with “slips” go on the trip.

Rather than, Don’t leave your room a mess, or you can’t come to the show – try – I’m taking kids with clean rooms to the show.

This respectful and effective approach may require taking a nice big breath [for extra time and more oxygen to your brain] but it’s well worth it.  Besides stretching your mental muscle, eliminating stress, and allowing your kids to actually THINK, you’re modeling wonderful behavior. 

As NO is eliminated from your vocabulary, you’ll find it fading from your child’s as well.  You can enjoy using your “That’s Easy!” button instead!

MAGIC WORDS

To reduce frustration, it might be helpful to determine if you or your child is being trained to say “please” and “thank you.”  If they already know what the expectation is, do they really need to be asked, “What’s the magic word?” or ”What do you say?” or “How many times have I told you to say please and thank you?” [By the way, that’s not really a question, is it?]

Have you inadvertently created a game they’re now playing with you?  Has it become a dance the two of you are doing?  Do you want to continue reminding your child about this until s/he walks down the aisle, or do you want allow them to be responsible for doing their own remembering?  I have to think that future teachers, employers, and spouses would appreciate your making a shift now.

The necessary adjustment isn’t difficult.  If the adult waits with a knowing smile [taking a nice deep breathe sometimes helps with this], child is actually permitted to THINK about how to make the desired action come to pass, or to have the desired object placed in his/her hands.  Occasionally a quizzical look accompanied by, “Pardon me…” or even, “What…?” will jog their memories.  When the adult voice trails off elliptically, the child may begin to realize that there’s more to come.  And when it becomes clear that it’s not coming from the adult, there’s only one other possibility:  The child!

If the adult responds to “I want…” they are reinforcing this form of dependence [constant reminding] and encouraging lazy thinking.   Why does a child have to think if the adult is constantly reminding him/her.   To keep it fun – especially with younger children - they can learn to replace their demand of “I want” with the sound of a braying baby goat:  “Maaaaaaaaaay I have a cracker, please?”  Notice how it moves from a demand to a request and provides communication with a smile.

Baby sign language for these magic words is a simple and effective way of teaching these important social skills to even our pre-verbal and non-verbal children.  It provides them [and us] with a feeling of accomplishment and independence…and provides us with one less thing to do.

FORM [SHOULD] FOLLOW FUNCTION

Order:

Everyone likes things that are beautiful, but in a house with young children, things need to be “workable” and convenient for the operation of the house THEN consider the “form” of it.  Once a room, desk, storage locker, basement has been beautifully organized or tastefully decorated, the task is not really complete until an important question is asked:  Does this really WORK like this?  If YES, it stays that way.  If NO, make the change which will allow it to be convenient and functional.  “Time” is generally the stress-driver in households.  Having to stop as you’re flying out the door in order to unpack a beautifully arranged shelving unit to find a notebook or missing headband [which cute decorative box WAS that in anyway?] is counterproductive.

Understanding the way your home actually functions [or tries to] is important.  Where do the barrettes land?  Does the baby get wound up in the lovely shower curtain?  Can I reach the paper towels quickly?  Are the mixing spoons in the kitchen drawer nearest the preparation point?  Where do the shoes and boots get “dropped”?  Can the children reach the coat hooks?  If you’re right-handed, are the baby wipes on the correct side of the changing table?  Etc.  Keep your eyes open for the littlest changes you might make.  They sometimes make the biggest difference in the “flow” of your day.

Self-Sufficiency: 

Make it easy for your child to do things him/herself.   Eg. Put his shoes/jackets in a place he can reach to put away or put on.  When he hands you his pacifier, ask him where it goes (he probably knows and will go put it away), etc. Prior to your supplying requested help, gently ask, “Did you try already?” or “What have you tried?”  If the answer’s in the negative, one response would be, “I help kids who try to do it themselves first.” [smile]

“A place for everything, and everything in its place.”

Encourage yourself to think - and let your child overhear you saying to yourself  – “I have time to put this away” OR “Where does this go?”  Post-It notes around the house are a great help in retraining ourselves, too.   Note to self: I HAVE TIME is pretty straightforward and quite helpful.  That way your eyes are helping your brain break old habits of procrastination. You can stick these little helpers anywhere: inside the medicine cabinet, on the front door, in a kitchen drawer, on the toilet seat lid!  Avoid double handling and catch yourself thinking “I’ll do this later.”  Later seldom comes. As Zig Ziglar says, “Put all your excuses aside and remember this: YOU are capable.”

LISTENING EARS and THINKING HAT

Rather than asking all day long, “Are you using your listening ears?” you might want to try a slightly different approach.  After all, how’s that been working for you?!

Posing a rhetorical question to a little one is confusing to them and [the results can be] frustrating for the adult.

Most children have thought processes that are still quite literal.  They know they heard you ask a question.  They might just be thinking, “of course I’m using my listening ears, but I’m not actually going to DO what you requested [or quit what you forbade].” 

Not responding appropriately to a parent’s “listening ears” question, isn’t necessarily defiance; it’s just a logical response to a half-asked question.  They may even smile sweetly and sincerely answer, “Yes!  I have them on.”

But the second shoe hasn’t dropped.  What do you want to HAPPEN?  The reality is that you want them to accomplish something (pick up their toys) or stop some undesirable behavior (teasing the dog).

This does NOT mean that you are supposed to repeat a request or directive …because they’ve probably heard it lots of times already any way.   A mere repetition is better replaced by a calm, “What did I say?”  Then pause and watch them actively remember.  The more often we repeat ourselves, the more likely children [employees, spouses] are to wait until the 2^nd or 3^rd time.  At that point you might logically wonder who is training who.

Be honest!  Do you really just want them to put on their listening ears as you’ve suggested by your question, OR is it actually a 2-stage process?   Let’s encourage our children to be results oriented.  Let them know there’s more to it than just the listening piece.

Here’s a little chant that works wonders: “One, two.  Listen and do.”  Make it sing-songy and repeat it until kids not only engage their listening ears, but put on their thinking hats.  Additionally helpful for little ones are the signs of touching ears (on 1), then (on 2) opening both palms forward as if moving towards accomplishing a task.  Kids love doing this.  Let them lead the way on the doing part.  It tends to  become a fulfilling game.  After a while, all you need to do is warble, “One, two…”  with your voice trailing up in happy expectation.

Bossing, micromanaging, yelling, threatening are unnecessary and ineffective tools compared to a song.

It’s hard for anyone to be angry or defiant when they [or you] are singing.