"HOW DID YOU SUCCEED?"

The ultimate reward is the one we can give our self.

When Jason transferred into my fifth grade class from a “city school” his skills were sub-par to say the least.  On the rare occasion that he answered a question correctly, I was (we all were) so excited that a little cheer would rise spontaneously from his classmates and me.  I made a happy fuss – thinking that was the best way to be supportive and elicit more successes.  Wrong.  He became even more withdrawn and reticent. 

He didn’t need a cheerleader.  He needed to own his own success.  Enter a bright new day and a bright new sign which I surreptitiously stuck just above the white board at the front of the room.  Then math happened and eventually Jason stumbled upon a correct answer.  With nothing more than a knowing smile and an approving “Hummmmmm,” I casually pointed to the sign:  ‘I CARE.  I WORKED HARD.  I KEPT TRYING.  I’VE BEEN PAYING ATTENTION”…then I awaited his response.  He seemed a little confused – perhaps no one had ever allowed him to make a choice.  He was silent.  Eventually it became apparent that I wasn’t going to move on until he had made a selection.  “Well,” I said “which one is it?” and waited.  He hesitantly read the first one but found it didn’t suit him.  Quietly he read the second one.  It still didn’t seem to resonate.  By the time he shared his answer to the sign’s question [“HOW DID YOU SUCCEED?”], it came through loud and clear, in a firm and confident voice: “I kept trying!”  And a smile erupted.

Perhaps when I’d provided overly enthusiastic kudos, this underachiever thought his success was a fluke.  “Guess I’m normally an idiot.  This was just luck.”  No matter how much praise was showered on him, he sensed somehow that the next attempt might be as dismal as the pattern with which he’d become painfully familiar.

In this case, accolades from me had only underscored Jason’s surprise and added to the fear that the next time he’d be wrong again.  My requiring him to select a reason for his achievement created the necessity for him to internalize it …to take ownership of it.  He literally made it his own.  To my surprise, the rest of the class also wanted to be able to find something tangible to which to attribute their successes.  It cemented it for them, made it more real, more consistent.  They were delighted to point (literally and figuratively) to the reason for their accomplishment.  It provided the ultimate positive reinforcement.  An unexpected by-product was the diminution of teasing and an increase in the patience and respect the students showed for each other.  As individual self esteem grew in that classroom due to increased achievement awareness, the children’s respect for each other flourished as well.

This was really a new beginning.  Now that he felt it belonged to him, Jason’s success grew each day.  By the end of the school year his journaling (which had initially been done under great duress) was being read at faculty meetings and assemblies.  His homework assignments came in on a regular basis, and his grades improved exponentially.  Flying under his own power with the realization that he made it happen, he continued to own his own successes and was ultimately invited to give the graduation address as he transitioned out of eighth grade into a stellar career as a high school student.

Since carrying around a sign isn’t necessarily convenient, a simple question will do: “How did you do that?’ or “How did you make that happen?” or “How’d you think of that?” (Delivering it with a gentle sense of admiration and awe is helpful.) Then wait expectantly for the answer.   Most people love answering questions – especially when it’s about them – and particularly when it’s good news!  The key is to catch them doing it RIGHT and then let them acknowledge their accomplishment.   

Whether used to celebrate a completed race, a dinner without spilled milk, a calm board meeting, or a successful trip to the potty, this same principle of understated appreciation brings with it the implied message of “I knew you could do it.”  Success breeds success.  This is a win-win opportunity.  Get on the right team!