The
term “helicopter parent” is used commonly these days for parents who think
their raison d’etre is to make sure
their children lead a life which is free of stress (which is handed off to the
parent). Whether it’s the fifth grader
who forgot that his/her assignment was due on Friday or the high school student
struggling with a college application, the parent that swoops in to save the
day is the one who is preventing his/her child from learning what it’s like to
operate in an environment that makes daily demands on each and every one of its
participants. If you choose to accept
this role, don’t be surprised when you’re asked by your adult offspring to help
write a resume, locate a lost social security card, or remind them repeatedly
of family birthdays.
Living within walking distance of our local
elementary school was so “Little House on the Prairie.” As a stay at home mother, I saw the short
walk over the river and through the woods as a small price to pay to make sure
my children had everything they needed at school. It required relatively little time, and I
could (I told myself) commune with nature as I wended my way up the hill to
“save” yet another one of my children. I
hadn’t realized how chronic it had become until, on a Wednesday, I walked into
the school office with yet another sack lunch, leotard, or field trip
permission slip and was greeted with a genuinely astonished, “We haven’t seen
you yet this week!”
I could have seen this as a wake-up call or
continued to reinforce my sense of indispensability. Unfortunately I chose the latter.
I hadn’t intentionally attempted to keep my
children dependent upon me, but it happened any way. In my exuberance to be “the perfect mother,”
I’d become the homework helper, sneaker carrier, arrangement maker, violin
fetcher, report deliverer, jacket transporter.
It was no dearth of gratitude. That was
abundant and is probably what kept me at the ready for the next call. After
all, who could better locate the lost current events report or find the missing
gym shorts or explain (read: “excuse”) the lack of homework! Anyone on the outside could have seen how
beautifully my children were training me.
After a few years, I was even having contests with myself on how quickly
I could get to “my” drop-off point in the school lobby. In so doing, I had created a grateful but
irresponsible child who turned into a brilliant but forgetful adult who relies
on others for taking care of the details.
Why shouldn’t she be calling me to add my mailing address, her
grandmother’s birth date, and her sister’s anniversary to her Blackberry -
again? I’ve conditioned her. And I’m still providing information!
I wish I had cared enough to have allowed her
to S the C’s…suffer the consequences. No
parent would ever want to subject his/her child to this horrible sounding
verb. But if your child is going
to suffer (and they all will eventually unless you’re omniscient, omnipotent,
and omnipresent), isn’t it better to do some suffering at 7, when the cost is
lower, than at 17 or 37? Not turning in
your homework which was done incorrectly or left undone is considerably less
costly (no pun intended) than neglecting to submit your income tax return. The C’s
– natural rather than imposed – are hugely impactful and do the teaching FOR
the parent. The outcome of a school
assignment undone is a low grade. The outcome of income tax evasion could be a
jail term. The child who’s left to deal
with the results of her own mistake generally makes tremendous strides toward
avoiding the next one. Short term grief for long term relief!
A mistake can be a beautiful thing when the
child is allowed to own her own. Watching children learn is an awesome, almost
spiritual, experience. Sometimes watching sounds like this: “Wow, How are
you going to solve that?” or “Gee, What do you think you’ll do about this?’ or
even “Gosh, What now?” Realizing she has
the ability to make it better and thereby take control of that aspect of her
life not only provides the opportunity for solution solving, but confidence
building. Adults that can take a breath,
step back and let a child think, reason, decide, and learn are giving their
children a priceless gift.
Finally be warned that, even more difficult
than allowing the child to S the C’s,
is to S the M – shut the mouth! As crude as it sounds, it points to the
reality that rehashing and rehearsing tends to water down or even negate the
effectiveness of the lesson.
Here are some things to say if you wish to
annul the benefits of a potential learning experience:
·
What
did you learn from this?
·
How
are you going to do this differently next time?
·
Didn’t
I warn you this would happen?
·
How
many times do I have to tell you...?
Here’s what you might say to insure your
child’s anger, failure, or frustration as you see her facing the same challenge
again:
·
Remember
what happened last time you did this?
·
Don’t
forget to …
·
See
if you can get it right this time.
No matter what actual words are spoken, all
of these hoverers send the underlying message, “You’re so dumb I have to remind
you what you did – what to do.” And,
“You need me to save you.”
The key to a real learning experience is to
give the child an unobstructed (uncoached) opportunity to succeed. Saying nothing implies your confidence in the
child, in his ability to remember and achieve.
Children live up to the adult’s expectation.
We have these chances every day. It was John’s turn to make popcorn for his 5th
grade classmates. Disinclined to read
directions (or accept any), he released the paper bag from its cellophane cover
and with an appropriate amount of bravado tossed it into the microwave. Before long (actually 2 minutes) the smell of
a learning experience wafted across the room.
His classmates were not disinclined to point out that charcoal is not an
enjoyable snack. The teacher said. “Gee,
it’s tough when that happens,” knowing that John was smart enough to know what
had happened and what should have happened.
He needed no one to reinforce his embarrassment, suggest a “plan B.” or
even to give a directive for disposing of the evidence. The derision on his peers was enough of a
natural consequence for not reading directions.
Imagine his surprise (and the moans of his classmates) the next day when
the teacher handed him another “opportunity.”
With no commentary, no warning, no reminders, no suggestions, the bag
was placed into the hands of this astonished young man. After carefully reading the directions,
checking the second hand on his watch and summoning back-up from a fellow clock
watcher, he eventually presented his astonished class with a perfectly popped treat. A nod and a smile from the teacher let him
know that she’d had complete confidence in his ability to succeed all
along. Proof, once again, that the best
solution for every problem comes from the person who owns it.
Ground those helicopters. Problem + thinking=solution=growth! Kids are great. Let go ‘em and let ‘em grow.
Christie Clarke
