The Setting: Target bathroom – the heart of the local
FACE (Family Activity Control Experiment).
The Players: 2 moms, 2 kids, 2 babies
The Experiment: who can make a natural activity a
miserable, stressful event.
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| Photo by michellerlee |
It wasn’t the place I’d have chosen for research, but
how many hours do we spent as mothers in public restrooms (nothing restful
about them, by the way)? Why not make it
a harmonious experience? This time I
observed two mothers-Alice and Beatrice. (Don’t really know their names, but it
beats referring to them as “A” and “B.”)
By the time I approached the scene of the crime (the treatment of
Beatrice’s child was criminal), there were apparently two little girls (about 4 or 5 years old) sequestered in
adjoining stalls, with 2 mothers standing outside the stalls at the ready. One, ready to commend. One, ready to command.
Encouragement can sound different to different ears, I
guess:
A)
“If you need me to
help, I’m right here.”
B)
“What’s taking so
long?! I’ve got more shopping to do!”
Upon emerging, the words changed. The tone didn’t:
A)
“Nice job. What’s
next?”
B)
(Without waiting to
see if the child knew what to do) “Go wash your hands!”
A)
“One pump (of soap) or
two?”
B)
“Don’t forget to use
soap!”
A)
“Great. I wonder where the towels are.”
B)
“Get over there and
dry your hands” pushing her toward the towel dispenser with her foot.
A)
“I’m going back out to
the cart. See you there.”
B)
“Why can’t you walk
any faster?”
As if Beatrice’s hostile comments weren’t enough, I
looked long and hard for a non-existent smile.
None on the mom. And, not
surprisingly, none on the daughter who looked crestfallen and frightened. Poor child never had a chance to show that
she could have handled each task on her own, and could have harvested the
attendant sense of accomplishment. Mom
effectively stole that opportunity from her.
One can’t help but wonder if this if simple bathroom functions
necessitated this much control, what happens when more difficult situations
arise. “Choose your battles” is an adage that will arrive too late to help this
family.
On the other hand, Alice’s
daughter moved through the experience under her own steam, at her own pace,
making her own decisions, doing what she knew was right, and walked out the
door feeling competent and self-assured.
Alice
was smiling and nodding her approval.
Was she thinking, “what’s the worst thing that can happen here?
Forgetting to wash hands?” Could she have reminded her child if that need were
to have arisen? Probably so. Better to err on the side that provides the
opportunity for success.
Who will have a more well developed ability to “do the
right thing” – even when Mom’s not in the room?
Practice really does make perfect.
The operational word is “practice.” Kids have to have the chance.
Christie Clarke
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