THE HELICOPTER AWARD OR WHOSE PROBLEM IS IT ANYWAY?

Photo by Gil Feliciano

The term “helicopter parent” is used commonly these days for parents who think their raison d’etre is to make sure their children lead a life which is free of stress (which is handed off to the parent).  Whether it’s the fifth grader who forgot that his/her assignment was due on Friday or the high school student struggling with a college application, the parent that swoops in to save the day is the one who is preventing his/her child from learning what it’s like to operate in an environment that makes daily demands on each and every one of its participants.  If you choose to accept this role, don’t be surprised when you’re asked by your adult offspring to help write a resume, locate a lost social security card, or remind them repeatedly of family birthdays.

Living within walking distance of our local elementary school was so “Little House on the Prairie.”  As a stay at home mother, I saw the short walk over the river and through the woods as a small price to pay to make sure my children had everything they needed at school.  It required relatively little time, and I could (I told myself) commune with nature as I wended my way up the hill to “save” yet another one of my children.  I hadn’t realized how chronic it had become until, on a Wednesday, I walked into the school office with yet another sack lunch, leotard, or field trip permission slip and was greeted with a genuinely astonished, “We haven’t seen you yet this week!”

I could have seen this as a wake-up call or continued to reinforce my sense of indispensability.  Unfortunately I chose the latter.

I hadn’t intentionally attempted to keep my children dependent upon me, but it happened any way.  In my exuberance to be “the perfect mother,” I’d become the homework helper, sneaker carrier, arrangement maker, violin fetcher, report deliverer, jacket transporter.

It was no dearth of gratitude. That was abundant and is probably what kept me at the ready for the next call. After all, who could better locate the lost current events report or find the missing gym shorts or explain (read: “excuse”) the lack of homework!  Anyone on the outside could have seen how beautifully my children were training me.  After a few years, I was even having contests with myself on how quickly I could get to “my” drop-off point in the school lobby.  In so doing, I had created a grateful but irresponsible child who turned into a brilliant but forgetful adult who relies on others for taking care of the details.  Why shouldn’t she be calling me to add my mailing address, her grandmother’s birth date, and her sister’s anniversary to her Blackberry - again?  I’ve conditioned her.  And I’m still providing information!

I wish I had cared enough to have allowed her to S the C’s…suffer the consequences.  No parent would ever want to subject his/her child to this horrible sounding verb.  But if your child is going to suffer (and they all will eventually unless you’re omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent), isn’t it better to do some suffering at 7, when the cost is lower, than at 17 or 37?  Not turning in your homework which was done incorrectly or left undone is considerably less costly (no pun intended) than neglecting to submit your income tax return.  The C’s – natural rather than imposed – are hugely impactful and do the teaching FOR the parent.  The outcome of a school assignment undone is a low grade. The outcome of income tax evasion could be a jail term.  The child who’s left to deal with the results of her own mistake generally makes tremendous strides toward avoiding the next one. Short term grief for long term relief! 

A mistake can be a beautiful thing when the child is allowed to own her own.  Watching children learn is an awesome, almost spiritual, experience.  Sometimes watching sounds like this: “Wow, How are you going to solve that?” or “Gee, What do you think you’ll do about this?’ or even “Gosh, What now?”  Realizing she has the ability to make it better and thereby take control of that aspect of her life not only provides the opportunity for solution solving, but confidence building.  Adults that can take a breath, step back and let a child think, reason, decide, and learn are giving their children a priceless gift. 

Finally be warned that, even more difficult than allowing the child to S the C’s, is to S the M – shut the mouth!  As crude as it sounds, it points to the reality that rehashing and rehearsing tends to water down or even negate the effectiveness of the lesson.

Here are some things to say if you wish to annul the benefits of a potential learning experience:

·         What did you learn from this?

·         How are you going to do this differently next time?

·         Didn’t I warn you this would happen?

·         How many times do I have to tell you...?

Here’s what you might say to insure your child’s anger, failure, or frustration as you see her facing the same challenge again:

·         Remember what happened last time you did this?

·         Don’t forget to …

·         See if you can get it right this time.

No matter what actual words are spoken, all of these hoverers send the underlying message, “You’re so dumb I have to remind you what you did – what to do.”  And, “You need me to save you.”

The key to a real learning experience is to give the child an unobstructed (uncoached) opportunity to succeed.  Saying nothing implies your confidence in the child, in his ability to remember and achieve.  Children live up to the adult’s expectation.

We have these chances every day.  It was John’s turn to make popcorn for his 5^th grade classmates.  Disinclined to read directions (or accept any), he released the paper bag from its cellophane cover and with an appropriate amount of bravado tossed it into the microwave.  Before long (actually 2 minutes) the smell of a learning experience wafted across the room.  His classmates were not disinclined to point out that charcoal is not an enjoyable snack.  The teacher said. “Gee, it’s tough when that happens,” knowing that John was smart enough to know what had happened and what should have happened.  He needed no one to reinforce his embarrassment, suggest a “plan B.” or even to give a directive for disposing of the evidence.  The derision on his peers was enough of a natural consequence for not reading directions.  Imagine his surprise (and the moans of his classmates) the next day when the teacher handed him another “opportunity.”  With no commentary, no warning, no reminders, no suggestions, the bag was placed into the hands of this astonished young man.  After carefully reading the directions, checking the second hand on his watch and summoning back-up from a fellow clock watcher, he eventually presented his astonished class with a perfectly popped treat.  A nod and a smile from the teacher let him know that she’d had complete confidence in his ability to succeed all along.  Proof, once again, that the best solution for every problem comes from the person who owns it. 

Ground those helicopters.  Problem + thinking=solution=growth!  Kids are great.  Let go ‘em and let ‘em grow.

Christie Clarke