FEARLESS FAMILY TECH GUIDELINES

Photo by Tim Meany

For those brilliant parents who actually realize that electronics have begun to run their homes and their children rather than the other way around, it’s important to have some structure and expectations around this pervasive dilemma.  Awareness of how effective Prohibition was [not], may allow you to keep in mind the futility of attempting to control your kids around this issue.  And will probably only drive it underground [or to the neighbor’s house].  Parents who indicate what THEY will do, rather than what they will force their KIDS to do is a more effective approach to this universal problem.

Far more effective than springing a list of “Thou Shalt Not’s” on your children, is a family meeting with a conversation which might be launched with statements like:

• I’ve noticed that technology is really important to kids today.
• Have you noticed how much more time we’re all spending on our “devices”?
• I’m concerned about mobile phone usage.
• What rules do your friends have regarding screen time in their homes?
•  Are they teaching you about cyber bullying in school?

Opening a dialogue rather than issuing a dictum is important for cooperation and [hopefully] buy-in.  As in any good family meeting, try:  “Who wants to take notes since this is really important?”  See where it goes but be sure you, as the parent, have an objective in mind.  Generally the conversation can be steered to discussions which result in guidelines like these:

• Kids who pay for their own service, can have cell phones.
• Any illegal electronic activities are reported to the authorities.
• You can keep your device as long as it’s not used while driving, at the table, in church, etc.
• All computers are subject to review of internet history.
• Computers will be in the living room [public space] rather than in individual rooms.
• Devices that send or receive pornography will be given to charity.

If the “You don’t trust me” gauntlet is thrown, one response could reflect on how even good people and grown-ups can get into trouble with this stuff, so having back-up is really important…and thanks for understanding.

Adults should realize that these issues are not just a matter of common courtesy at the table, but can be life-or-death issues.  Signing a PLEDGE indicates the gravity of this subject.  “Where do you think we should post it” carries additional weight.

MORNING JOY

Using questions as directives was a foreign concept to a young mom.  Giving choices to a little child seemed even stranger.  “Sounds good, but how will I ever get ANYWHERE on time?  It’s already a challenge.  Letting my five year old make decisions will make me even later!  Even when he has plenty of time he is always making everyone late!”

Photo by Tauno Tõhk

The time to deal with a late child is not when you’re in a rush.  Being able to fold your family into the solution rather than fix blame for the problem is an effective concept.   Mom planned her approach and activated her strategy when everyone was calm and relaxed. 

Beginning with a question opens anyone’s ears.  “Have you noticed that mornings around here aren’t very happy?”  [Waiting for an answer is important – either yes or no will open up a dialogue.  If she’d have been nervous about a negative answer she might have started the conversation with “I’ve noticed that mornings are hard…”]

He answered tentatively in the affirmative, so the chat continued: “Well, what do you think we can do about it?” 

He was so surprised at being asked his opinion, he didn’t have any ideas. “Do you want to know what some people have tried?” was the next question.  They discussed alarm clocks, timers, cereal, television…things that might have had bearing on their mornings.  Possibilities were shared in an impersonal format [“SOME kids”], with the silliest or most outrageous ones first since it’s normal for kids to reject the parent’s initial offering.  This allows the parent to be a little creative and have some fun with the situation.  Besides, if we pick the best one first, we’ve stolen their chance to come up with the best one:

•  “SOME kids have their mom dump water on them to wake them up.  How would that work?” 
•  “SOME kids get three alarm clocks and set them all so they have to run around the room and turn them off.  How would that work?”
• “SOME kids ask their moms to turn their light on when it’s time to get up.  How would that work?”

The question at the end encourages them to THINK how it might impact them and continues to open up the lines of communication…something that will stand you in good stead as the child turns into a teen.

In far less time than it takes to read this, they hatched a plan and had fun actually practicing it.  Mom was to open Jerry’s door an hour before they needed to leave.  She showed him on the big clock where the hands would be when they needed to leave and told him what SHE was going to do:  “My car will be leaving at 9 o’clock.  I hope you’ll be in it.”  They practiced the ten minute warning he thought he’d need before her car was going to leave. He practiced coming out to the car and getting into his car seat.

The next morning came and the plan was going pretty well.  Mom felt comfortable getting herself dressed and the baby fed.  She reminded herself that this was an experiment and knew that she’d probably have more opportunities if this didn’t work this time.  She also rejoiced in the fact that she was providing Jerry with a learning opportunity.  Knowing the urgent importance of the follow-through, she had arranged to have her neighbor at the ready to swoop in at 9:00 AM to watch her and the baby drive away and actually get to day care and work on time. 

At 8:50 Mom walked past a pajama’d kid who was sitting in front of the TV eating his cereal. It was easy for her to be calm when delivering the rehearsed 10-minute warning.  She had a back-up plan and knew he’d be learning something no matter how this went down.  [She might even have asked him if he’d rather have his clothes in his back pack or on his body since she was going to go get into the car.] 

With that she went out into the garage, strapped the baby in and sat there with a roulette of thoughts: “This’ll never work” and “I’ll strangle him” and “Make my day!” and “I hope he’ll learn a lesson as I drive away” and “I hope Marge has her phone turned on”

At 8:56 this sweet child emerged from the house with bed head hair, his clothes on (shirt buttoned askew), his Spidey back pack over his shoulder, and a smile on his face.  As he opened the car door he said, “Thanks, mom, for not rushing me.’ 

Mom didn’t know whether to faint or cry. 

She didn’t make him do what she wanted.  HE made the decision to be on time…and did so consistently from then on.

Christie Clarke