GET OFF YOUR “BUTS”

So many excuses are available – and actually used – it’s a wonder any of us make progress in the important job of raising kids, getting along as a family, having fun growing up…together.  Perhaps you’ve heard a frustrated neighbor, agitated relative, or that tired and exasperated person you see in the mirror at the end of another long day say one of the following:

I want to be a better parent [have a happier home]:

but my child is just going through a stage.

but I’ve tried everything.

but I’m too tired.

but my spouse differs so much in his/her parenting style.

but I can just enroll my child in another activity to keep him/her occupied

but I just can’t cope.

but I don’t want to make my child angry.

but there are so many conflicting theories on how to raise kids.

but I don’t want to stifle my child’s creativity.

but I don’t have time to learn any new parenting strategies.

but my child makes me so angry.

but I’ll just do it like my parents did.

but what if I do it wrong?

but the problem is really my child’s teacher.

but I could just medicate my child.

but I could just have a glass of wine.

but we’re all just too busy to deal with it.

but they’ll grow out of it eventually.

Listening for these red flags, allows parents to come awake to the need for stepping up to the plate, looking the situation in the eye, seeing them for the potentially dangerous  excuses they are, and taking positive action to address the problem…whatever it is.  Whether it’s fear, fatigue, or flummox that’s fueling our excuses, our children deserve adults who care enough about them to fight FOR them rather than WITH them. Don’t pull out the white flag of defeat when the red flag of warning becomes apparent.  In discussing his campaign, General Grant purportedly said, “I propose to fight it out on this line, if it takes all summer.”  Our children are worth the effort.

So when you’re faced with a BUT, rise to the occasion and don’t let that be the end of the story.  Take a breath and add the little 2-letter word SO to empower yourself and help your child.  “I want to be a better parent BUT I’m too tired, SO I’m going to start taking better care of myself.” Or “I want to be a better parent BUT I’ve tried everything, SO it’s time to get professional help.”

Occasionally the word OR is a better fit.  “I want to be a better parent BUT I could just medicate my child, OR I could review his nutritional intake, OR get a second opinion, OR, OR, OR.”

It’s whatever will move us away from tired resignation and toward proactive, solution-oriented thinking.

Ostriches aren’t terribly good at protecting themselves.  And “ostrich parents” who put their heads in the sand to evade problems and cop out aren’t positioned to help their children grow and thrive.  Rather, these folks model reticence, timidity, fear, laziness, weakness, irresponsibility which sends the consequent message to the child: “You’ve won” or “You’re not worth the effort.”  The end result is detrimental and sad.    

So accept the challenge of being alert to the BUTS in your head.  Watch for the red flag.  Replace it with a solution.  Empower yourself, strengthen your family, and save your kids.  It’s never too late to start…and it’s never too soon!

Photo by Blakeimeson