Perfectly Positive Parenting

THE 5 SENSES OF PARENTS

2012-02-07T07:00:00.000-08:00

Some of the best insights I’ve gotten into parenting skills have come from the kids themselves. You can do your own survey. You’ll probably get more simple and unbiased answers from kids, but you can ask ANYONE what they really need to “sense” an attachment to another human being.

I found myself conducting ongoing, informal research on the question, “What should I teach parents?” I say “informal” because I was not aware that my questioning would add up to conducting a survey as I casually queried children of various ages how I could help their mommies and daddies (or their “moms” and “dads”) do a better job.

I share these observations as a way to develop and enhance relationships and promote better communication, thereby encouraging more positive results [behavior].

HEARING:
A four year old was my first respondent, whose instant and enthusiastic response was, “tell ‘em to listen!” This is a universal theme: there’s not enough time; we’re always rushing; they talk so loud [or so much] that I can’t hear them. Not surprisingly this cry is echoed by parents about their kids, spouses about each other, employees about employers!

In the past years this chronic problem has been exacerbated by the onslaught of technology. At the restaurant, check out the booth next to you. You’ll see parents [and probably kids] who are plugged in to someone or something far removed. Watch texting parents crossing the street or parking lot with little ones following behind like ducklings. Whether kids are in the car, at the table, on the playground, in the shopping cart, or in the bath tub - chances are good their parents are there only in body.

SIGHT:
This is a natural extension of the technology block. Many children feel they’ve become invisible. A 7 year old told me she felt her dad never really looked at her. “He’s really tall and he’s always in a hurry.” Taking the time to get down on the level of that child is a huge step toward actually connecting. And chances are good that if you’re trying to give a directive, you’ll only have to say it once from this position. The analogy of the eyes being the window to the soul is an apt one. All we need to do to communicate better sometimes, is to bend our knees a little. Breathing deeply and looking through the lens of love or patience, rather than that of anger or haste is another way of improving the outcome of our interactions.

TOUCH [FEELING]:
Empathy is the big one here. “My mom doesn’t know how I feel.” Or “My dad can’t remember what it feels like to be a kid.” These are often a child’s reality and result in a sense of disconnectedness…and resultant misbehavior. An understanding comment [ideally preceded by a nice deep breath], might sound like, I never thought about it like that. Thanks for sharing that with me. Wow – I hate when that happens to me. I’ll bet that hurts. Sincerely delivered, these can go a long way toward defusing reactivity and anger, thus building the bridges of communication.

Added to the positive emotion of feeling, the physical nature of touch - a gentle pat on the shoulder, a hug on the way out the door, a welcoming kiss home – provide that life-giving connection which fosters mutual care and compassion.

SMELL:
It might be the cautious “something smells fishy in Denmark” odor or the “take time to smell the roses” fragrance. Parenting provides us with both scents…and more. “Wake up and smell the coffee” might be our reminder that something needs closer attention, rather than just waiting for a situation to get better. This is often an aroma associated with our teens. Whatever comes wafting our way and wherever we are on this journey, the whole experience goes by so quickly that it needs to be savored as best we can. Even if the best we can do on some days is to just move upwind and look for the roses.

TASTE:
I often hear parents wondering if they’ve bitten off more than they can chew. The ability to savor the experience is similar to that of enjoying a multicourse meal.

1) Allow enough time. [Be patient with yourself and your kids.]

2) Realize that if you’re not really enjoying the soup course, the salad’s coming, and that might be really great! Of course the salad might be worse, so try to appreciate the soup, just in case! And know that ultimately, if we play our cards right, there’s dessert. [They grow up and invite us over to their house!]

3) Be sure you have the right implements [parenting skills] to be able to enjoy the meal. [Hacking at the soft butter with a huge carving knife, is as effective as “drill instructor” parents bellowing commands: Get that homework done now, or else! Where they might more easily and effectively give a choice: Were you thinking of doing your homework before or after your chores? As long as there are two options that are both acceptable to the parent, they’re poised for success rather than an argument.]

4) Take small bites and chew thoroughly. [Don’t rush it. These are life lessons. Performing the Heimlich maneuver is not enjoyable experience literally or figuratively.]

5) Try to remember your manners. [We are, after all, our children’s ultimate role models. They will follow our lead…even if we don’t want them to!]

6) Clean up after yourself. [Mistakes happen. Apologies not only mend fences (and hearts) but are good examples for our kids to follow.]

The 5 senses are good reminders for successful and more enjoyable parenting. Perhaps it’s as simple as what your grandmother always told you. When in doubt, just follow the Golden Rule:

Treat others the way you would like to be treated.

How sensible.

FOR A HAPPY FAMILY, AVOID THE 3 C’S

2012-01-31T07:24:00.001-08:00

How often as parents we’re given the classic “to do” lists to apply to our children:

• Be good role models
• Keep them organized
• Feed them organic foods
• Structure homework time
• Get them to school on time
• Mediate sibling squabbling
• Monitor their use of technology
• Make sure they get enough sleep
• Remind them to follow the Golden Rule

The lists can be endless and may vary according to background, culture, and ethnicity. To make things more challenging, they seem to be constantly changing. Just look at “the food pyramid” of a decade ago which is now considered hazardous at best. Generations flip/flop (literally) regarding the “sleep on their back/side/stomach” debate.

One NEW short collection of avoidance practices came up in a recent parent workshop. It received universal agreement. It cut across ages, neighborhoods, educational achievements, and languages. It received approval unaffected by gender, finances, sexual preference, or family structure. It garnered a pledge to put a sticky note version all around the house [and office] as a necessary reminder. [Breaking habits takes a little help sometimes.]

As we deal with children (and adults), these are the 3 challenges that confront us all. These tendencies freeze us in our tracks [difficulties], negatively affect those around us, and are the antithesis of proactivity, patience, and progress.

• We tend to complain about other people, situations, outcomes, karma, weather. This keeps us from “owning our own” difficulties – and thus prevents us from coming up with solutions. Parents who have this habit often complain that their children are whiners. I wonder why.

• Cursing is most commonly aimed at others. ..or at least heard by them. In the case of children it’s particularly unnerving. They are exposed to an adult who’s out of control (a scary thing for a child). Here is a role model who’s demonstrating anger, rather than self control. The message delivered is, “I’m out of coping strategies! I don’t know what to do! Better stay out of my way!” For some reason these parents frequently report having disrespectful children. And use invectives like, “Don’t talk like that in this house. Don’t take that tone with me!”

• Most of us know that being on the receiving end of condemnation can be a horrible and crushing experience. It tends to attach negative labels that can last for a lifetime. Discussion within a group of parents surfaced the awareness recently that it’s the condemnation of ourselves that may be the cruelest of all. “I’ll never get this right.” “ I’m as nasty as my father was.” “Why can’t I ever listen before I scream?” “I’m ruining my kids!” This self-deprecation keeps us in a loop of failure, keeps us from trying, and effectively closes the doors and windows on inspiration and progress.

Awareness of these destructive 3 C’s is the beginning of improved self-control and a more harmonious family. Maybe it’s as simple as my grandmother used to say: “Start by being kind to yourself.”

The Power of ALL (At Least Lenses)

2012-01-18T06:56:00.000-08:00

Much has been said over the years about the power of positive thinking; the importance of gratitude; glass half full, etc. - but what about the underutilized appreciation of at-leastness?

It’s very much like putting on lenses that would allow one to see how bad a situation MIGHT have been and rejoicing in not having to deal with THAT. It’s applicable in situations of varying intensity and scope. Perhaps it was developed by mothers interested in putting a positive spin on things.

A.L.L (ALL) can sound like this: At least this time my toddler only pushed his baby sister and didn’t bite her. At least my teen is wearing clothes that cover most of her body. At least I know my child will be potty-trained by the time she walks down the aisle.

ALL is a wonderful gift parents give to themselves. Of course it can’t be effective if it’s said in anger or if it’s sarcastic. Ex: At least you HAVE a bed to sleep in, food to eat, parents to boss you around. Sometimes simply asking the question “and what’s the GOOD news?” is the best way of using ALL…especially with younger children.

ALL is a habit well worth cultivating and applying in all venues.

Whether facing the prospect of receiving a speeding ticket, losing your spot in line, misplacing your keys, being handed a pink slip, having a proposal rejected, or forgetting an anniversary – the prospect of using ALL is a way of getting through the problem with a little more grace. Approaching a situation in this way also reduces stress. Although not necessarily solving the problem, this practice allows coping mechanisms to activate and eliminate less successful strategies (like the 3 C’s: complaining, cursing, condemning).

Think of it in the most dismal of situations - the ultimate “how low can you go” place - dealing with symptoms of the stomach flu. Is there a more miserable time or location than a night spent alone on the bathroom floor. If ALL can work there, it can work anywhere. At least: there’s a wash cloth, the toilet’s clean, I’ve taken out my contacts, the floor is cool, I didn’t eat much for dinner.

This power of a more appreciative and more positive focus raises the odds of our being calmer and clearer. Answers can appear. Difficulties can resolve themselves. Relationships can remain intact.

“Won’t it be interesting to see how this works out?” replaces “Why on earth did this happen and what the devil am I going to do now?!

ALL helps us move away from being a part of the problem and become a part of the solution. Putting on these magical lenses is something we can do to ourselves, by ourselves, for ourselves…and it blesses everyone else as well.

At least you had time to read this far. At least no one is demanding you try something new. At least this is better than having your spouse tell you to quit complaining and get your act together. Although today was difficult, at least tomorrow’s another chance to have different results.

A Good Day

2011-03-24T13:53:00.000-07:00

She had a different answer to the standard query, "How are you?" My great aunt replied, “My grandmother used to say, ‘It is a bad day if you don't learn something.’ I think January, February, and March were all good days then!”

Neighborhood Information

2011-03-05T10:26:00.000-08:00

So I was walking down the block and a little neighbor shouted out the door to her brother, 'MOM JUST LEFT FOR THE THERAPIST!!'

I started giggling, thinking that Mom probably didn't want the world knowing this information. Thankfully her older brother yelled back, 'You mean the physical therapist,' to which the little girl responded, 'UH YEAH - that is what therapist means!'

If she only knew...

Identifying Ourselves

2011-02-23T19:52:00.000-08:00

I followed an interesting license plate today: "IMRYTE 1"

Have you ever found yourself dealing with this person? Where do you go from there when someone's taken this stance? What transpires next? Does this approach inspire commraderie or defiance? Communication or defensiveness? Openness or intimidation? Confidence or trepidation? And we wonder why our relationships [work, family, and others] aren't what we'd like them to be? Why people around us are "shut down," sullen, uncooperative?

How alert we should be that we aren't inadvertantly projecting this sentiment - particularly to our children!

"Teach 'em to Listen!"

2011-02-18T14:19:00.000-08:00

I was prepping to begin another parenting workshop series: Cue cards? Check. Print-outs? Check. Workbooks? Check. Projector, speakers, catalogues? Check and double check. Articles on everything from manners to money matters had been gathered into their proper place. My 5 year old granddaughter watched with great interest. “What ‘cha doin,’ Nani?”

I told her that sometimes mommies and daddies liked to get together and learn new ideas to make their families happier – sort of like she learned things in school. “Being a parent is a really important job – and it can be hard.”
She nodded in agreement and seemed proud that I could help do something so important!

“What kind of stuff are you gonna talk about?” she asked. We looked together at the various slides of the power point that provide discussion starters around such topics as giving choices rather than commands, the difference between punishment and consequences, asking questions, dealing with sibling rivalry, how to stay calm, better ways to deal with bed time, clean rooms, home work, responsibility, etc. , etc.

I thought it was a pretty exhaustive [if exhausting] list which had always been greeted with great enthusiasm and appreciation by attending parents. So I was surprised to notice how disappointed she seemed. Feeling that there must be something I was missing, I asked her, “If you were teaching this class, what would YOU want the parents to learn?”

With genuine appreciation at having been asked - and without a moment’s hesitation - she responded, “You need to teach ‘em to listen!”

She referenced the old adage for crossing a train track: STOP, LOOK, and LISTEN. Her parents listened to her, but she’d observed that her friend’s parents didn’t always do such a good job. And who of us doesn’t want to be heard?!

At five years of age, she knew intuitively the primal import of this maxim. For effective communication:

STOP other things you’re doing [which includes all technology devices]. Dedicate the time necessary to, and deserved by, your children.

LOOK – really look – into the eyes of the child and make the connection. There’s a reason eyes are referred to as windows of the soul.

LISTEN for the response, input, or questions surrounding the issue at hand. This willingness to actually hear what’s being said, opens the heart.

When done with patience and humility, this powerhouse axiom turns a monologue into a dialogue, reinforces mutual respect, encourages independent thought, and establishes relationships. Parents of a three year old might wonder about the importance of these benefits. Parents of a sixteen year old don’t!

Besides the lowering the volume level and the elevating the harmony factor in the home, parents who listen TO their kids are the ones that are listened to BY their kids. Because of good modeling, raised parental voices that once shouted; “Look at me when I’m speaking to you!” OR “Why don’t you ever listen?!” OR “Put down that IPod,( IPad, IPhone)!” - can be replaced with a simple, gentle question. “Is that how I treat [listen to, talk to, respond to} you?”

So, thanks to my willingness to listen to Madison, newly skilled parents in my classes are now treated to this profoundly simple analogy. Some are even rumored to have strategically placed clipart of that familiar crossing sign (or its brightly colored cousin, the traffic light) as a visible reminder of this wonderful set of skills. And, as with any solid, foundational principle, there are whispers of its utility with spouses, in-laws, neighbors, service personnel, employers and people ad infinitum.

Ahhhh! The joy of good communication!!

TOP 10 PARENTING POINTERS

2010-09-23T16:28:00.000-07:00

Based on nearly 70 combined years of dealing with parents and children [their own and other's], this list is a practical compilation by Dr. Timothy Hayes [C&H Counseling Solutions: www.ch4cs.com} and Christie Clarke [Out-A-Box Parenting, Inc: www.outaboxparenting.com].

1. Stop, look, and listen – really listen - to your children.
2. Think [breathe, count, meditate, etc.] before you speak.
3. Speak firmly and kindly [not sarcastically] while setting enforceable limits.
4. Don’t be pulled into arguing, threatening, lecturing, warning.
5. CWC [Communicate When Calm] Don’t try reasoning with a child when either of you is upset or angry.
6. Give your children the gift of thinking and solving his/her own problems.
7. Ask lots and lots of questions – giving choices not commands.
8. Employ empathy first, and then deliver a consequence (not punishment).
9. Make sure you’re focusing on things you CAN control.
10. Model, model, model. Good behavior is caught, not taught!

How wonderful not to have to assimilate them all at once. Baby steps toward a happier home begin with the parents.

2010-06-14T10:41:00.000-07:00

The Power of the Placemat
In this world of drive-thrus, Hamburger Helper, and Lean Cuisine you might ask yourself how the lowly placemat can have a positive impact on families. Where else can you spend $1.29 on a medium which develops and expands concepts of:
• personal space
• responsibility
• precision
• reliability
• cooperation
• participation
• thoughtfulness
• initiative
• creativity
• learning

How can something be, at the same time, a landing pad and a launching pad? Sure, the family that eats together has fewer challenges down the road (purportedly more able to resist sex, drugs, and rock and roll). But who, outside of some grandparents, sees the correlation between character builders and setting the family table?

I recently observed a loving mom lean away from her intensely enthusiastic in-your-face 6 year old, saying “personal space, personal space” with a smile. They both laughed as the child backed off a little and continued the dialogue in a way that Mom was more comfortable. She told me later that they’d been working with this concept in the kindergartener’s classroom to help her understand her rights in a potential bullying situation.

“Great idea,” I thought, "and how much easier to understand – and visualize – if there were placements in their family." A living example of boundaries and respectful limits.

Although dining together is extremely beneficial, I’ve observed more and more families whose idea of a family dinner is simply occupying the same general area where food is placed, silverware is piled, napkins (or paper towels which are faster to grab) are tossed, and plates are stacked. I’m not advocating a formal silver service, suggesting “grace” or proposing the ringing of a dinner bell (although that IS better than screaming). Even when food is prepared with love and care, does this casual approach to food consumption garner the appreciation that’s deserved?

I watched not long ago as a 3 and 5 year old happily assumed the task of setting the table. The chance to choose the placemats [who cares if it’s Dora or Halloween?], decide where each person can sit, make little place cards, figure out where the forks go, practice folding napkins into various shapes … these are just a few of the opportunities for thinking that these oblong beauties provide. How about the chance to take turns, learn left from right, see equality in providing each diner with what they need, remembering, thoughtfulness, and the all-important opportunity for adults to approve of the child’s accomplishment?!

One family with fledgling readers considers a paper towel with the crayoned letter of each diner’s first name [carefully sounded out] to be a perfect placemat – with a colored sticker if there’s time! Forks and spoons rest there just as well as on grandma’s linens. An additional benefit is the lack of confusion when folks are called to the table. How many renditions of “Where do I sit” or “I don’t have a fork” or “There’s no salt” do you listen to each evening?

Of all the gifts we can give to our children, the urgently important one is the opportunity and ability to make decisions. When it’s time for parents to start turning over some responsibility to their kids, many parents realize that their children are struggling. Not because they’re slow or inept, but because they haven’t had many chances to practice making the little decisions that lead up to the important ones. “Do you want to sit next to Nani or Mommy tonight?” is infinitely easier to answer than, “Do you just try a little cocaine tonight?”

So while they’re still coming to the table, make it an opportunity for nourishment of body and soul. A more peaceful dinner, as sense of accomplishment, and character building –a menu of benefits and a recipe for success!

WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHY, HOW MUCH Parenting

2010-02-17T06:49:00.000-08:00

DON’T BE “THE HOARSE WHISPERER”

Many parents yell so much that they have no voice left to use for communicating about important things. If you want to be LISTENED TO, make sure that you haven’t already conditioned your children to dial you back - turn you off – tune you out. You’re hoarse, and the whispering isn’t working at all!

In a sincere attempt to grasp what her mother was trying to yell her (rather than tell her), a seventh grader said it the best: “You’re talking so loud, I can’t hear what you’re saying!”

Generally speaking, you’ll find that it’s not WHAT you say. It’s HOW you say it. Words only account for about 7% of our communication. The rest is tone, inflection, body language, facial gestures, etc. Do you address the child by name and wait to get his attention before moving forward? Or do you merely charge into the conversation/reminder/directive, becoming irritated because the child hasn’t focused or requires you to repeat the first part again? Give and take is so much more rewarding (and less stressful) with a pair of willing and engaged participants.

Some of us are familiar with the parody of the “ugly American” tourist who thinks that he can better communicate with a non-English speaker by continuing to ratchet up the level of his voice. No reports of that working successfully thus far. And yet many parents repeat the same command over and over, merely increasing the volume, in hopes that somehow higher decibels equals understandability.

It’s also WHEN you say it. Are you trying to make a point when either you or the child is upset? When either is angry, the “fight or flight” reflex in the brain is triggered. This literally (and chemically) overrides the reasoning portion of the brain. This is a lesson in futility and frustration. When was it ever effective to reason with a drunk? If someone is drunk on emotion or upset, you can’t expect good results either. Take a breath, count to ten, repeat the alphabet backwards, change the location (of you or the child), or do whatever allows calm to prevail - and try again later when things aren’t emotionally charged.

And HOW MANY times you say it. The child who has been trained to expect [or has trained his parent to give him] 1, 2, or 3 chances to comply with a request or expectation doesn’t have a hearing problem. He has a conditioning problem. The little tyke who is sooooo adorable as she awaits her third warning before acquiescing to a parental request to put on her shoes, is ill equipped to deal with real world situations which require immediate or consistent compliance. Driving drunk, failing to file income tax, cheating on an exam, running that red light are a few of the many situations where a “do over” is not an option.

The WHY is important. Because I’m your father, that’s why! - Because I’m the boss! - I don’t need to give you a reason! - Because I said so! …aren’t real reasons. They’re frustrated, usually angry, responses. The message they deliver is, “I’ve reached the end of my parenting rope. I’ve run out of skills. You’re making me upset, so you’re a bad kid.”

On the other hand, a parent that knows that keeping kids safe, leading by example, preparing them for the real world, allowing them to make mistakes by which they’re learning life lessons – that is the parent who is being a responsible adult and raising a responsible child.

So if something is going to come out of your mouth, make it count. You are the WHO that can make it happen by mastering the WHAT, WHEN, HOW MANY, and WHY of communicating…with your child, your spouse, your employer, your employee. All of us!

Happy?

2010-02-05T10:34:00.000-08:00

Just received the following from a friend: “When I was in grade school, they told me to write down what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down happy. They told me I didn't understand the assignment. I told them they didn't understand life.”

My grandmother always told me: "Happy is as happy does."

Parents' most consistently and universally stated desire for their child(ren) is happiness. I'm wondering how many are in fact living the happiness they wish [and could be modeling] for their children.

Although many may consider this a rather subjective quality, I would suggest that it may well consist in the simple appreciation of the good they see [or should/could/might see] all around them...a voiced awareness that:
• "We came to eight green lights and only 2 red ones."
• "I love when I remember to bring my gloves."
• “Wow! Clean, fluffy towels!”
• "Birds are singing today. They must be happy."
• “Great! Free refills!”
• "Wasn't it nice that the neighbor shoveled the walk for us?"

Or it could be in the form of a question which generates even more thoughtfulness. This also brings the positive assumption that the child has ideas [and solutions] of their own:
• “What’s the good news?” [about a difficult or sad situation].
• “What was the best part of your day?”
• “What would be better – to wear your coat or carry it?”
• “Aren’t we lucky to have a nice warm house to live in?”
• “How could we make this problem better, friend happier, day brighter?”

Positive focus - and its resultant happiness - is a gift we can give to our children only by living it ourselves first. It’s astonishing how, when we put our attention [intention] on the good news, it becomes magnified in our lives and the lives of those around us. Perhaps it’s as simple as appreciating the good that’s already here. And that makes room for more.

So, flex your happiness muscle. Be alert, aware, and appreciative. DO be a part of the “happy is” team, and watch the world become a better place - one smile at a time!

The Hardest Job in the World

2009-12-20T19:21:00.000-08:00

You:

Can't go to school for it.
Take no test for it.
Have no formal training.
Celebrate no graduation.
Can't achieve an advanced degree.
Are never prepared for it.
Have no employer, but plenty of bosses.
Generally don't apply for it.
Sometimes get it by default.
Have no job description, yet it constantly changes.
Log long hours.
Accumulate no vacation time or comp time.
Don't get promoted.
Don't get paid.
Don't get a raise.
Can't be fired or apply for a transfer.
Attempt to use age old skills for high tech problems of endless variety and complexity.
Have no retirement or pension plan.
Can't quit [though some people run away].
Can do it as a partnership but not as a company.
Have unthinkable huge responsibility [life and death implications], yet the entity for which you're responsible doesn't come with an owner's manual.
Eventually realize that the rewards are immeasurable.

PARENTING!

Give Your Children the Gift of a Pleasant Memory

2009-12-16T17:38:00.000-08:00

Not all marriages end up "happily ever after-ing." Whether a divorce is civilized or acrimonious, there's no benefit derived from depriving your children of a memory bank of joy. It takes some healing on our part as adults [and this exercise may even promote it], but for their sakes, try to get to a place where you can share with your kids the vision - the dream - that began it all. Try not to let the heartbreak and bitterness of the end, despoil the beginning.

Think of a ride in a brightly colored hot air balloon. The jubilation of the launch, excitement of the lift, and thrill of the vistas revealed as you soar aloft, needn't be erased by its eventual deflation and descent. Don't relinquish the joy.

Even IF there is no philosophical answer for "why;" even IF someone else seems to have derailed the future; even IF all the doors to the planned tomorrows have closed, let your children know the love that inspired your union at the outset. Recapture the dream; revisit the excitement; reclaim the vision; reassure them of the love that begat them. At first it may feel uncomfortable or disingenuous, but eventually it becomes easier. The softening of your heart allows you to see the effect of this sharing.

Eventually you'll be able to pull out the old pictures. Watch your children's faces [even if they're adults themselves now] as you effectively give them permission to remember the good times. You may need to rewrite your plans for the future, but you also have the chance to reclaim the good memories of the past. Not allowing the end to taint the beginning is the gift of grace. Give it to yourself. Give it to your children. You'll all soar again.

Inspiration at the Big Box

2009-12-06T13:07:00.000-08:00

Give the gift of gratitude this year.

I didn't even bother getting out of the car. I was in a hurry and apparently it was the day that our local nursing home brought a bus full of its seniors to Wal-Mart. Exacerbated by the last minute Thanksgiving shoppers, traffic was inching along with folks scouting for parking spots...as scarce as turkeys' teeth. Since the rain had finally stopped, I could have the window down. My attention was drawn toward the door by the familiar ringing of a Salvation Army volunteer who was waiting for someone to notice him and drop something into his kettle.

"I need to do that soon," and "wonder if I have enough to share," and "what a thankless job," thought surfaced. With that, I notice a bowed little man who appeared to be nearing the century mark as he emerged from the store. Dressed rather like Mr. Rogers on a tattered day, he shuffled slowly toward the man with the bell. Finally able to extract his worn wallet from a back pocket, he fumbled thoughtfully through its contents. From where I was stopped, I could barely make out the folded bill he raised triumphantly into the air. But what I did see clearly was the joy on his face as he placed his offering in the waiting pot.

He gave me a gift, too. I may spend Thanksgiving at a table full of food, surrounded by a loving family. But in my preparations for that special day - indeed the entire holiday season - I'll reflect on how grateful I am to have seen a shining example of unselfed giving.

Without even being aware of it, my new "friend" has reminded me how thankful I am that there are people like this to love and care and inspire us all.

And how grateful I am for parents who slow down enough to see, appreciate, and share these life lessons with their children. They're making the world a better place - one moment at a time.

November 2009

IT Parenting

2009-09-06T07:13:00.000-07:00

IT Parenting Syndrome

You've seen it often enough, kids trailing along behind their designated adult through parking lots, across busy streets, down the aisles of Wal-Mart as the parent focuses intently on the task at hand - texting or talking on their phones! Only yesterday, I found still another casualty of the IT parenting syndrome clinging to my thigh as I stood in line at MacDonald’s...my own grand daughter standing with a big tear rolling down her cheek and a shaky little voice saying "someone ran into me."

At five, this normally fearless child had been mowed down by a ten year old Kamikaze whose aggressive game of hide and seek with her twin brother had expanded from the play room into the whole restaurant. As this pair exploded out of restrooms, ducked behind doors, jumped over the stools and ran at breakneck speed around the tables, their father sat en-grossed [pun intended] in a phone conversation. From his seat in the playroom, he occasionally looked up and waved his one free, tattooed arm furiously and screamed threats at the top of his voice then went back to his obvious priority – his phone call. The young manager who had been informed of the problem was intimidated by the now furious father, leaving the other adults to collect their own charges under their wings like protective hens and one-by-one scuttle their broods out of the establishment.

On one of their circuits past our table I motioned them over and asked if they’d mind being careful of the other smaller customers. I saw sweet faces of potentially compliant children who seemed genuinely surprised that they’d been creating a problem for others.

We consumed our Happy Meals® and safely retreated to our SUV to continue our day, leaving the distracted and ultimately impotent dad and his sadly ignored and enabled kids to their “dance of power” that no one ever wins: they do; he says; they do again; he shouts; they do again; he threatens; they do again; he explodes, etc., etc.

I wondered how important that phone call really was. A deal breaker? A job saver? A life saver? A marriage saver?

What were the chances that his kids would ever walk over and say, “Daddy dear, we want to see how far we have to go to see the veins stick out of your neck and prove that we are in charge”? OR “Oh, Father, would you mind interacting with us and giving us your undivided attention for a few moments so we wouldn’t have to use extreme, obnoxious and risky behavior so that you’d notice us?”

When applied to parenting interactions (or lack thereof), rather than being the standard abbreviation for internet technology, IT might more aptly be short for ignore-ant technology. Parents that fall for the enticement of technological connectivity in lieu of direct contact with their kids are the ones who end up wondering: why don’t my kids listen to me…respect me…focus on what I’m saying…do what I tell them to? I would imagine their teachers are wondering the same things!

So if that “Smart Phone” keeps you from being smart enough to interact with your children while you have the opportunity, your “texting” keeps you from operating in the context of real time, or your Blackberry darkens that direct channel of communication with those around you…put ‘em down and look at the faces of the ones who are looking to you for affection, direction, modeling, and human contact. The window of opportunity is a small one. You’ll turn around and find those kids grown and gone, leaving you musing over where the time went, what more you could had shared, how much you miss them.

Do it now. Rediscover the joy of intentional connection and focused caring. It’s an investment you’ll never regret…neither will they, their teachers, their spouses, their employees, their kids.