FOR A HAPPY FAMILY, AVOID THE 3 C’S

How often as parents we’re given the classic “to do” lists to apply to our children:

• Be good role models
• Keep them organized
• Feed them organic foods
• Structure homework time
• Get them to school on time
• Mediate sibling squabbling
• Monitor their use of technology
• Make sure they get enough sleep
• Remind them to follow the Golden Rule

The lists can be endless and may vary according to background, culture, and ethnicity. To make things more challenging, they seem to be constantly changing. Just look at “the food pyramid” of a decade ago which is now considered hazardous at best. Generations flip/flop (literally) regarding the “sleep on their back/side/stomach” debate.

One NEW short collection of avoidance practices came up in a recent parent workshop. It received universal agreement. It cut across ages, neighborhoods, educational achievements, and languages. It received approval unaffected by gender, finances, sexual preference, or family structure. It garnered a pledge to put a sticky note version all around the house [and office] as a necessary reminder. [Breaking habits takes a little help sometimes.]

As we deal with children (and adults), these are the 3 challenges that confront us all. These tendencies freeze us in our tracks [difficulties], negatively affect those around us, and are the antithesis of proactivity, patience, and progress.

• We tend to complain about other people, situations, outcomes, karma, weather. This keeps us from “owning our own” difficulties – and thus prevents us from coming up with solutions. Parents who have this habit often complain that their children are whiners. I wonder why.

• Cursing is most commonly aimed at others. ..or at least heard by them. In the case of children it’s particularly unnerving. They are exposed to an adult who’s out of control (a scary thing for a child). Here is a role model who’s demonstrating anger, rather than self control. The message delivered is, “I’m out of coping strategies! I don’t know what to do! Better stay out of my way!” For some reason these parents frequently report having disrespectful children. And use invectives like, “Don’t talk like that in this house. Don’t take that tone with me!”

• Most of us know that being on the receiving end of condemnation can be a horrible and crushing experience. It tends to attach negative labels that can last for a lifetime. Discussion within a group of parents surfaced the awareness recently that it’s the condemnation of ourselves that may be the cruelest of all. “I’ll never get this right.” “ I’m as nasty as my father was.” “Why can’t I ever listen before I scream?” “I’m ruining my kids!” This self-deprecation keeps us in a loop of failure, keeps us from trying, and effectively closes the doors and windows on inspiration and progress.

Awareness of these destructive 3 C’s is the beginning of improved self-control and a more harmonious family. Maybe it’s as simple as my grandmother used to say: “Start by being kind to yourself.”

The Power of ALL (At Least Lenses)

Much has been said over the years about the power of positive thinking; the importance of gratitude; glass half full, etc. - but what about the underutilized appreciation of at-leastness?

It’s very much like putting on lenses that would allow one to see how bad a situation MIGHT have been and rejoicing in not having to deal with THAT. It’s applicable in situations of varying intensity and scope. Perhaps it was developed by mothers interested in putting a positive spin on things.

A.L.L (ALL) can sound like this: At least this time my toddler only pushed his baby sister and didn’t bite her. At least my teen is wearing clothes that cover most of her body. At least I know my child will be potty-trained by the time she walks down the aisle.

ALL is a wonderful gift parents give to themselves. Of course it can’t be effective if it’s said in anger or if it’s sarcastic. Ex: At least you HAVE a bed to sleep in, food to eat, parents to boss you around. Sometimes simply asking the question “and what’s the GOOD news?” is the best way of using ALL…especially with younger children.

ALL is a habit well worth cultivating and applying in all venues.

Whether facing the prospect of receiving a speeding ticket, losing your spot in line, misplacing your keys, being handed a pink slip, having a proposal rejected, or forgetting an anniversary – the prospect of using ALL is a way of getting through the problem with a little more grace. Approaching a situation in this way also reduces stress. Although not necessarily solving the problem, this practice allows coping mechanisms to activate and eliminate less successful strategies (like the 3 C’s: complaining, cursing, condemning).

Think of it in the most dismal of situations - the ultimate “how low can you go” place - dealing with symptoms of the stomach flu. Is there a more miserable time or location than a night spent alone on the bathroom floor. If ALL can work there, it can work anywhere. At least: there’s a wash cloth, the toilet’s clean, I’ve taken out my contacts, the floor is cool, I didn’t eat much for dinner.

This power of a more appreciative and more positive focus raises the odds of our being calmer and clearer. Answers can appear. Difficulties can resolve themselves. Relationships can remain intact.

“Won’t it be interesting to see how this works out?” replaces “Why on earth did this happen and what the devil am I going to do now?!

ALL helps us move away from being a part of the problem and become a part of the solution. Putting on these magical lenses is something we can do to ourselves, by ourselves, for ourselves…and it blesses everyone else as well.

At least you had time to read this far. At least no one is demanding you try something new. At least this is better than having your spouse tell you to quit complaining and get your act together. Although today was difficult, at least tomorrow’s another chance to have different results.