BACK TO NATURE: HINTS FOR PARENTS

Want a more effective way to share nature with your child? One that increases their interest, expands their alertness, enlarges their mental processing, and engages them with nature AND with us?

Going green is a wonderful adventure for our children and for our world.  With summer upon us, so many parents are enthused about getting their kiddos out into the “wilds” of the local park – or even just into the back yard.  And then we often feel the obligation to take advantage of every “teachable moment,” turning into more of a tour guide than a nature lover.  Accessing our best recollection of biology class, we point, direct, emote, and share more information than our children can digest…and certainly more than they want.

Here’s what we normally tend to do: “Listen to the bullfrog.”

But that’s essentially a command – or it could certainly sound like one to a child who spends his days getting directives from well-meaning adults. It’s not much different from “put down the toilet seat” or “eat your peas.” They shut down and tune out. Besides, why would they have to listen (to us or the bullfrog) or think, if we’re providing them with all the answers? 

Instead, how about saying, “What do you hear?!” or “What’s that?!” or “I wonder what’s making that sound!” This provides an opportunity and incentive to listen, question, observe, discover, and share.  This Socratic parent isn’t presuming to tell the child what he should do, what the sound is, where it’s coming from.    Questions are powerful teaching tools which generally provoke answers - or at least a thought!  A question is like a hole, just waiting to be filled up.  And kids love doing that!  Especially if the question is preceded by “WOW…” or “Holy Cow…” or “Good Grief…”  Enthusiasm provides increased excitement and a better chance of buy-in [response]. 

Giving our children the chance to think and offer their opinion provides an invaluable opportunity.  In addition to fostering good child/parent relationships and enriching communication, this “questioning” skill helps develop kids who feel respected, valued, and heard - important building blocks of self-esteem - a great investment in his future.

The child who’s had a chance to help his parent identify those dulcet froggy tones, hears them with attendant joy for the rest of his life. The child who has had “listen to the bullfrog” alerts throughout his childhood, often ends up resenting the sound and what it has come to represent: a pedagogic, bossy parent.

So give your kids the gift of nature AND sweet memories of what you learned there together. 

BREATHING AND “THINKING TIME”

When parents learn to “go to B.A.T.” [Breathe And Think], they develop the confidence (and therefore the ability) to make individualized modifications on a basic strategy which makes it viable for their particular logistic or situation.  Feeling locked into doing “the right thing” removes spontaneity and creates even more stress.  Cultivating the habit of breathing prior to speaking, enhances the possibility of moving away from the pattern of upset and into something new and potentially more successful.  

Here’s a report/observation from one of the moms I’ve been working with lately.  She moved from the concept of punishing her 3 year old son out of anger and frustration [“I’m just gonna have to time you out!”], to allowing him the opportunity to “think” and regain his self-control.

From Mom:

I’ve decided to implement two phases of “thinking time” depending on the intensity (or number of repetitions) of the infraction.  No longer thinking of it as “time out” which had become an ineffective punishment, my motive and mindset shifted. I am now actually looking at this as an occasion for him to have a learning experience, rather than “making him pay” for a mistake. [Of course I have to breathe sometimes to help myself remember.] Here’s what has been working:

1.    Boppy seat (borrowed from his little sister) in the corner of the hall or room -  out from under my feet, but where I can keep an eye on him and don’t cringe at close-range melt down screams.  It’s a very specific location but not as restrictive as my thoughts of duct taping him in a chair.  I knew that wouldn’t have been a good parenting strategy. J

OR

2.    Safe in a room where there’s NO distraction or human interaction – looking out a window at nature can be very calming and thought-provoking.  Using his old pack ‘n play has been very effective.  He could have climbed out easily, but didn’t.  Maybe on some level he appreciated the boundaries.  I set the timer and checked on him as I told him I would…”when you are sweet and calm.”  After timer ran out, I checked in and asked in a calm voice, “Are you ready to be happy?”  Oddly enough the answer was a very factual “no” – three times!  He was just lying there looking out the window.  The fourth time I checked he was as happy to come and play as I was to have him with me again.  It was wonderful!

So often kids are so over stimulated that they relish some reflective time.

This mom learned that asking, “What did you learn?” or “What were you thinking about” or “Do you know why you were in there?” just assumes that they’re too dumb to have figured things out.  Better to just be satisfied with a “happy” child.

If they need to do more thinking again, it’s just another chance to develop more life skills…for both parent and child!  Patience, focus, flexibility, endurance, compassion, consistency.  Can’t ever have too much of those!

CHOICES=CONTROL

Avoid asking open ended questions that might get that defiant NO.  Like, “Are you ready to go now?”  “Will you be eating those eggs I cooked for you?”

Strive to give choices that you (the adult) will be content with…two is the optimal number.  This allows the decision-making to fall on the child.  What great practice for their lives as adults!

·        Do you want to wear red shoes or blue shoes?

·        Want to do homework before or after dinner?

·        Want to walk up the stairs or be carried? 

·        Want to come watch me make the bed, or NOT come watch me?

·        Think you will be taking a long nap or a short nap?

·        Shall you turn off the TV, or do you want me to do it?

·        Would you rather eat the carrots first or the peas?

These are choices about issues that impact the child – not the family as a whole.  Asking your son if you should all go for a vacation or spend the money on a new ATV isn’t a logical one…unless you’ll be happy with either one.  Asking your young daughter if she wants to stop screaming or make the whole family miss the movie – not appropriate or helpful.  You’re not giving away control.  You’re sharing it.  By being willing to share the control, you’ll make the amazing discovery that you have it all, because the options were yours!

The ultimate goal shouldn’t be to control your children, but to get them [allow them, expect them, require them] to think.  Parents who lament that their teens “can’t think for themselves,” might look in the mirror and see a life where the goal was compliance rather than independence.

So, if you recognize your own voice on that NO! button, try replacing your negative directive with a choice.  You’ll find yourself pushing the THAT’S EASY button instead.

TAKE TIME TO SMELL THE ROSES

It’s a phrase with which we adults are all too familiar.  A clever mom had a chance to watch her child realize this – without a long dissertation, a boring lecture, or even the obligatory parable.

We adults are the ones who inadvertently teach our children the habit of hurrying.   “We’re going to be late for the doctor.”  “How many times are you going to make me late for work?”  “If we’re not on time, we’ll lose our turn in line.”  There are numerous possible solutions: We could learn to better allocate our time, cultivate the strategy of arriving 15 minutes before we’re due, start sooner, eliminate the I’ll-just-do-one-more-thing mentality, or other time management strategies.

But what happens when we actually down-shift and attempt to get our children to slow down too?  It doesn’t always work the way we planned.  Fortunately sometimes the cosmos intervenes and an important lesson is learned…especially if we say nothing  and just let ‘em learn!

One beautiful spring day, a hurried ten year old was in a huge rush to get in the car and head to a play date.  Her mother’s suggestion to pause and admire the magnificent floral display Mother Nature had arranged alongside their driveway was summarily dismissed.  She assured her mom that she’ll look later.  “They’ll be there when we get back!”

How could she have known that her 5 year old sister would have picked all the daffodils by then?

Here is the pivotal point of the anecdote.  If Mom had let her “lecture gene” kick in, we can imagine that it would have included observations such as this:

·        If you’d have listened to me, you’d have enjoyed them.

·        A discussion of the phrase “Make hay while the sun shines.”

·        And some kids don’t even HAVE flowers along the driveway.

·        I planted those flowers so we could enjoy their beauty.

·        Maybe next time you’ll listen to me.

·        That’s why they say to take time to smell the roses.

Are any of these factoids going to be of interest to the child?  Is there anything here she didn’t know already?  Does she need to feel any worse? 

This mother was smart.  And she knew she had a smart daughter.  Her empathetic comment [delivered with a knowing smile] was, “How sad.  There’s always next spring.”

And THIS spring guess who took the time to enjoy the viewJ

QUESTIONS AND SELF-RELIANCE

Parents of little kids know that “What are you doing?” may be the most commonly asked question in the universe.  The second most frequently asked is probably, “Why are you doing that?” 

The child frequently knows what you’re doing, but continues to ask.  Some adults are followed around the house/store/parking lot, school by a child repeatedly using the machine gun approach to plying these questions in rapid succession.  It’s easy to be pulled into a running commentary – more information than the child needs and more than he wants.  Usually he just wants you to slow down or put down your iphone and give him your undivided attention. 

In order to help develop a thinking child, an appropriate (sincere, not sarcastic) response might be, “What do you think?” or “What does it look like?”  Then wait for an answer.  Watch his eyes roll sky-ward while he considers coming up with his own (usually correct) answer.  Then he can be rewarded by “You’re right!  How did you know that?”  This way he is allowed to take ownership of his own brilliance, rather than learning to rely on his parent for all the answers. 

A variation on the theme could be a simple, “I’m being happy.  What are you doing?”  It’s amazing to see how often this brings a delighted “Me too!” as he skips off to play.  Should we be surprised?   Modeling seems to be the ultimate [and easiest] form of teaching kids anyway!

If you get a genuine “I don’t know” response or there’s still a need for clarification, a careful parent will patiently come forth with enough information to satisfy the child’s curiosity…leading him in the direction of discovering the answer and owning it.  

If this seems tedious, just be grateful that they’re actually asking for your input.  Soon enough the teenage years arrive and you’ll WISH they were asking you questions again!