“PLEASE TEACH PARENTS THIS!”

A Dozen Parenting Pointers from the Mouth of a Nine Year Old.

1.     Don’t say NO too much.

2.     Teach them to listen – really listen.

photo by Daniel Andre

3.     Sibling problems:

a.     Let the kids figure it out!

b.     Sing the MYOB* song to the tune of “Good Morning to You.”

4.     Give options but not too many choices.  Kids can think and make their own.

5.     Teach your child how to be responsible.

6.     Let your child clean up their own toys.

7.     Threats don’t work.

8.     Teach breathing.  It keeps people calm.

9.     Screaming, hitting, spanking, bullying your own kid is bad. It scars them and scares them.

10.             Say, “If you don’t want to eat it, it’s your choice.” Then let them be hungry.

11.            The more TV your family watches, the more problems you have.

12.            Don’t laugh at kids.  Laugh with them.

[Who says only adults can design an intelligent curriculum?]

*Mind Your Own Business

11-20-12

THANKSGIVING INSPIRATION AT THE BIG BOX

Give the gift of gratitude this year.

Photo by Michael Hanscom

I didn’t even bother getting out of the car. I was in a hurry and apparently it was the day that our local nursing home brought a bus full of its seniors to Wal-Mart. Exacerbated by the last minute Thanksgiving shoppers, traffic was inching along with folks scouting for parking spots…as scarce as turkeys’ teeth. Since the rain had finally stopped I could have the window down.  My attention was drawn toward the door by the familiar ringing of a Salvation Army volunteer who was waiting for someone to notice him and drop something into his kettle.

“I need to do that soon,” and “wonder if I have enough to share,” and “what a thankless job,” thoughts surfaced.  With that, I noticed a bowed little man who appeared to be nearing the century mark as he emerged from the store.  Dressed rather like Mr. Rogers on a tattered day, he shuffled slowly toward the man with the bell.  Finally able to extract his worn wallet from a back pocket, he fumbled thoughtfully through its contents.  From where I was stopped, I could barely make out the folded bill he raised triumphantly into the air.  But what I did see clearly was the joy on his face as he placed his offering in the waiting pot.

He gave me a gift, too. I may spend Thursday at a table full of food, surrounded by a loving family.  But in my preparations for that special day – indeed the entire holiday season - I’ll reflect on how grateful I am to have seen a shining example of unselfed giving.

Without even being aware of it, my new “friend” has reminded me how thankful I am that there are people like this to love and care and inspire us all.

And how grateful I am for parents who slow down enough to see, appreciate, and share these life lessons with their children.  They’re making the world a better place – one moment at a time.

Christie Clarke
2012

OLD DOG, NEW TRICKS

Old Dog, New Tricks … is really a reference to the concept of habits.  “I’ve always done it that way” or This is how my parents raised me” or “I just don’t know what else to do” are indicators of a firmly entrenched, habitual way of interacting with [reacting to?] others.

Many parents have found it helpful to experiment with writing reminders on sticky notes around the house to let their eyes help their brain remember – after all, learning new skills is about breaking old habits.  Chose the one that resonates with you and reflects your parenting style [or what you want your parenting style to be]:

• I’m the parent.
• This is fun.
• I’m running an experiment.
• Tomorrow is another day.
• This is worth it.
• Anger and frustration beget misbehavior.
• This too shall pass.
• I’m the role model.
• I can do this.
• Deep breaths and calm voice.

…or whatever will enable you to zero in on your own parenting Achilles’ Heel.  

Affix your chosen reminder strategically.

• By the alarm clock.
• Next to your make up.
• Under the toilet seat lid.
• On the cereal box.
• In your purse.
• On the dashboard.
• Over the computer screen.

Help remind yourself that there IS a better way.

It may feel silly at first, but most new ideas do.  If you’re worried about your kids asking what all the notes are about, you can just look at them with confidence and pride: “Trying out some new parenting skills.  What do you think?  J”

BACK TO NATURE: HINTS FOR PARENTS

Want a more effective way to share nature with your child? One that increases their interest, expands their alertness, enlarges their mental processing, and engages them with nature AND with us?

Going green is a wonderful adventure for our children and for our world.  With summer upon us, so many parents are enthused about getting their kiddos out into the “wilds” of the local park – or even just into the back yard.  And then we often feel the obligation to take advantage of every “teachable moment,” turning into more of a tour guide than a nature lover.  Accessing our best recollection of biology class, we point, direct, emote, and share more information than our children can digest…and certainly more than they want.

Here’s what we normally tend to do: “Listen to the bullfrog.”

But that’s essentially a command – or it could certainly sound like one to a child who spends his days getting directives from well-meaning adults. It’s not much different from “put down the toilet seat” or “eat your peas.” They shut down and tune out. Besides, why would they have to listen (to us or the bullfrog) or think, if we’re providing them with all the answers? 

Instead, how about saying, “What do you hear?!” or “What’s that?!” or “I wonder what’s making that sound!” This provides an opportunity and incentive to listen, question, observe, discover, and share.  This Socratic parent isn’t presuming to tell the child what he should do, what the sound is, where it’s coming from.    Questions are powerful teaching tools which generally provoke answers - or at least a thought!  A question is like a hole, just waiting to be filled up.  And kids love doing that!  Especially if the question is preceded by “WOW…” or “Holy Cow…” or “Good Grief…”  Enthusiasm provides increased excitement and a better chance of buy-in [response]. 

Giving our children the chance to think and offer their opinion provides an invaluable opportunity.  In addition to fostering good child/parent relationships and enriching communication, this “questioning” skill helps develop kids who feel respected, valued, and heard - important building blocks of self-esteem - a great investment in his future.

The child who’s had a chance to help his parent identify those dulcet froggy tones, hears them with attendant joy for the rest of his life. The child who has had “listen to the bullfrog” alerts throughout his childhood, often ends up resenting the sound and what it has come to represent: a pedagogic, bossy parent.

So give your kids the gift of nature AND sweet memories of what you learned there together. 

BREATHING AND “THINKING TIME”

When parents learn to “go to B.A.T.” [Breathe And Think], they develop the confidence (and therefore the ability) to make individualized modifications on a basic strategy which makes it viable for their particular logistic or situation.  Feeling locked into doing “the right thing” removes spontaneity and creates even more stress.  Cultivating the habit of breathing prior to speaking, enhances the possibility of moving away from the pattern of upset and into something new and potentially more successful.  

Here’s a report/observation from one of the moms I’ve been working with lately.  She moved from the concept of punishing her 3 year old son out of anger and frustration [“I’m just gonna have to time you out!”], to allowing him the opportunity to “think” and regain his self-control.

From Mom:

I’ve decided to implement two phases of “thinking time” depending on the intensity (or number of repetitions) of the infraction.  No longer thinking of it as “time out” which had become an ineffective punishment, my motive and mindset shifted. I am now actually looking at this as an occasion for him to have a learning experience, rather than “making him pay” for a mistake. [Of course I have to breathe sometimes to help myself remember.] Here’s what has been working:

1.    Boppy seat (borrowed from his little sister) in the corner of the hall or room -  out from under my feet, but where I can keep an eye on him and don’t cringe at close-range melt down screams.  It’s a very specific location but not as restrictive as my thoughts of duct taping him in a chair.  I knew that wouldn’t have been a good parenting strategy. J

OR

2.    Safe in a room where there’s NO distraction or human interaction – looking out a window at nature can be very calming and thought-provoking.  Using his old pack ‘n play has been very effective.  He could have climbed out easily, but didn’t.  Maybe on some level he appreciated the boundaries.  I set the timer and checked on him as I told him I would…”when you are sweet and calm.”  After timer ran out, I checked in and asked in a calm voice, “Are you ready to be happy?”  Oddly enough the answer was a very factual “no” – three times!  He was just lying there looking out the window.  The fourth time I checked he was as happy to come and play as I was to have him with me again.  It was wonderful!

So often kids are so over stimulated that they relish some reflective time.

This mom learned that asking, “What did you learn?” or “What were you thinking about” or “Do you know why you were in there?” just assumes that they’re too dumb to have figured things out.  Better to just be satisfied with a “happy” child.

If they need to do more thinking again, it’s just another chance to develop more life skills…for both parent and child!  Patience, focus, flexibility, endurance, compassion, consistency.  Can’t ever have too much of those!

CHOICES=CONTROL

Avoid asking open ended questions that might get that defiant NO.  Like, “Are you ready to go now?”  “Will you be eating those eggs I cooked for you?”

Strive to give choices that you (the adult) will be content with…two is the optimal number.  This allows the decision-making to fall on the child.  What great practice for their lives as adults!

·        Do you want to wear red shoes or blue shoes?

·        Want to do homework before or after dinner?

·        Want to walk up the stairs or be carried? 

·        Want to come watch me make the bed, or NOT come watch me?

·        Think you will be taking a long nap or a short nap?

·        Shall you turn off the TV, or do you want me to do it?

·        Would you rather eat the carrots first or the peas?

These are choices about issues that impact the child – not the family as a whole.  Asking your son if you should all go for a vacation or spend the money on a new ATV isn’t a logical one…unless you’ll be happy with either one.  Asking your young daughter if she wants to stop screaming or make the whole family miss the movie – not appropriate or helpful.  You’re not giving away control.  You’re sharing it.  By being willing to share the control, you’ll make the amazing discovery that you have it all, because the options were yours!

The ultimate goal shouldn’t be to control your children, but to get them [allow them, expect them, require them] to think.  Parents who lament that their teens “can’t think for themselves,” might look in the mirror and see a life where the goal was compliance rather than independence.

So, if you recognize your own voice on that NO! button, try replacing your negative directive with a choice.  You’ll find yourself pushing the THAT’S EASY button instead.

TAKE TIME TO SMELL THE ROSES

It’s a phrase with which we adults are all too familiar.  A clever mom had a chance to watch her child realize this – without a long dissertation, a boring lecture, or even the obligatory parable.

We adults are the ones who inadvertently teach our children the habit of hurrying.   “We’re going to be late for the doctor.”  “How many times are you going to make me late for work?”  “If we’re not on time, we’ll lose our turn in line.”  There are numerous possible solutions: We could learn to better allocate our time, cultivate the strategy of arriving 15 minutes before we’re due, start sooner, eliminate the I’ll-just-do-one-more-thing mentality, or other time management strategies.

But what happens when we actually down-shift and attempt to get our children to slow down too?  It doesn’t always work the way we planned.  Fortunately sometimes the cosmos intervenes and an important lesson is learned…especially if we say nothing  and just let ‘em learn!

One beautiful spring day, a hurried ten year old was in a huge rush to get in the car and head to a play date.  Her mother’s suggestion to pause and admire the magnificent floral display Mother Nature had arranged alongside their driveway was summarily dismissed.  She assured her mom that she’ll look later.  “They’ll be there when we get back!”

How could she have known that her 5 year old sister would have picked all the daffodils by then?

Here is the pivotal point of the anecdote.  If Mom had let her “lecture gene” kick in, we can imagine that it would have included observations such as this:

·        If you’d have listened to me, you’d have enjoyed them.

·        A discussion of the phrase “Make hay while the sun shines.”

·        And some kids don’t even HAVE flowers along the driveway.

·        I planted those flowers so we could enjoy their beauty.

·        Maybe next time you’ll listen to me.

·        That’s why they say to take time to smell the roses.

Are any of these factoids going to be of interest to the child?  Is there anything here she didn’t know already?  Does she need to feel any worse? 

This mother was smart.  And she knew she had a smart daughter.  Her empathetic comment [delivered with a knowing smile] was, “How sad.  There’s always next spring.”

And THIS spring guess who took the time to enjoy the viewJ

QUESTIONS AND SELF-RELIANCE

Parents of little kids know that “What are you doing?” may be the most commonly asked question in the universe.  The second most frequently asked is probably, “Why are you doing that?” 

The child frequently knows what you’re doing, but continues to ask.  Some adults are followed around the house/store/parking lot, school by a child repeatedly using the machine gun approach to plying these questions in rapid succession.  It’s easy to be pulled into a running commentary – more information than the child needs and more than he wants.  Usually he just wants you to slow down or put down your iphone and give him your undivided attention. 

In order to help develop a thinking child, an appropriate (sincere, not sarcastic) response might be, “What do you think?” or “What does it look like?”  Then wait for an answer.  Watch his eyes roll sky-ward while he considers coming up with his own (usually correct) answer.  Then he can be rewarded by “You’re right!  How did you know that?”  This way he is allowed to take ownership of his own brilliance, rather than learning to rely on his parent for all the answers. 

A variation on the theme could be a simple, “I’m being happy.  What are you doing?”  It’s amazing to see how often this brings a delighted “Me too!” as he skips off to play.  Should we be surprised?   Modeling seems to be the ultimate [and easiest] form of teaching kids anyway!

If you get a genuine “I don’t know” response or there’s still a need for clarification, a careful parent will patiently come forth with enough information to satisfy the child’s curiosity…leading him in the direction of discovering the answer and owning it.  

If this seems tedious, just be grateful that they’re actually asking for your input.  Soon enough the teenage years arrive and you’ll WISH they were asking you questions again!

THE BULLY BUTTON

One of my most effective “parent training tools” is my “NO!” button.  Initially I saw this big red button [a take-off of the Staple’s “EASY” BUTTON] in a Learning Express store.  I pushed it tentatively only to hear abrasive, irritating, intimidating, sarcastic, repetitive versions of that negative word.  The other shoppers turned around in disgust to find the source of this abusive command.  It didn’t go home with me that day.  I didn’t even want it in my environment.  But the more I listened to parents in Wal-Mart and on TV sitcoms and on playgrounds and even teachers in classrooms, the more convinced I became that this is probably how we sometimes sound to the children in our lives. 

Then we wonder why our kids are defiant, fearful, distant, or bellicose AND why that word so frequently emanates from their mouths too…to us, to siblings, to playmates.  It’s important to realize that some of the interactions done in the name of discipline put us in the position of bully.  Children don’t have to be physically threatened or beaten to be bullied.  Listen to the adults as they interact with [or more accurately “attack”] their kids.  Realize that most of the anger and frustration associated with child rearing comes from the fact that we’re trying to control someone other than ourselves.

There is a way to break this habit.  Show your child that you can be more creative and thoughtful than just saying [screaming?] NO.  Virtually any negative response can be reformulated or redirected:

No, you can’t have your brother’s ball – can become - What else would you like to play with?

No, you can’t eat more cake – can become- We have apples or grapes.

No, I’m not going to drive you to your friend’s house – can become – What other ways can you get there?

No, you’re not getting more allowance – can become – I hand out allowance every Saturday.

Brain research has shown that directives beginning with the negative DON’T aren’t processed properly and the word “don’t” may even be blocked completely.  So consider your [creative and positive] options:

Rather than saying, Don’t run in the house – try – Walk.

Rather than, Don’t hit your sister – try – Gentle hands.

Rather than, Don’t be late for dinner – try – We’re eating at 5.  Hope you’re there.

Rather than, Don’t take that tone with me – try – I’ll listen when your voice is as calm as mine.

Rather than, Don’t forget to turn in your field trip permission slip – try – Kids with “slips” go on the trip.

Rather than, Don’t leave your room a mess, or you can’t come to the show – try – I’m taking kids with clean rooms to the show.

This respectful and effective approach may require taking a nice big breath [for extra time and more oxygen to your brain] but it’s well worth it.  Besides stretching your mental muscle, eliminating stress, and allowing your kids to actually THINK, you’re modeling wonderful behavior. 

As NO is eliminated from your vocabulary, you’ll find it fading from your child’s as well.  You can enjoy using your “That’s Easy!” button instead!

MAGIC WORDS

To reduce frustration, it might be helpful to determine if you or your child is being trained to say “please” and “thank you.”  If they already know what the expectation is, do they really need to be asked, “What’s the magic word?” or ”What do you say?” or “How many times have I told you to say please and thank you?” [By the way, that’s not really a question, is it?]

Have you inadvertently created a game they’re now playing with you?  Has it become a dance the two of you are doing?  Do you want to continue reminding your child about this until s/he walks down the aisle, or do you want allow them to be responsible for doing their own remembering?  I have to think that future teachers, employers, and spouses would appreciate your making a shift now.

The necessary adjustment isn’t difficult.  If the adult waits with a knowing smile [taking a nice deep breathe sometimes helps with this], child is actually permitted to THINK about how to make the desired action come to pass, or to have the desired object placed in his/her hands.  Occasionally a quizzical look accompanied by, “Pardon me…” or even, “What…?” will jog their memories.  When the adult voice trails off elliptically, the child may begin to realize that there’s more to come.  And when it becomes clear that it’s not coming from the adult, there’s only one other possibility:  The child!

If the adult responds to “I want…” they are reinforcing this form of dependence [constant reminding] and encouraging lazy thinking.   Why does a child have to think if the adult is constantly reminding him/her.   To keep it fun – especially with younger children - they can learn to replace their demand of “I want” with the sound of a braying baby goat:  “Maaaaaaaaaay I have a cracker, please?”  Notice how it moves from a demand to a request and provides communication with a smile.

Baby sign language for these magic words is a simple and effective way of teaching these important social skills to even our pre-verbal and non-verbal children.  It provides them [and us] with a feeling of accomplishment and independence…and provides us with one less thing to do.

FORM [SHOULD] FOLLOW FUNCTION

Order:

Everyone likes things that are beautiful, but in a house with young children, things need to be “workable” and convenient for the operation of the house THEN consider the “form” of it.  Once a room, desk, storage locker, basement has been beautifully organized or tastefully decorated, the task is not really complete until an important question is asked:  Does this really WORK like this?  If YES, it stays that way.  If NO, make the change which will allow it to be convenient and functional.  “Time” is generally the stress-driver in households.  Having to stop as you’re flying out the door in order to unpack a beautifully arranged shelving unit to find a notebook or missing headband [which cute decorative box WAS that in anyway?] is counterproductive.

Understanding the way your home actually functions [or tries to] is important.  Where do the barrettes land?  Does the baby get wound up in the lovely shower curtain?  Can I reach the paper towels quickly?  Are the mixing spoons in the kitchen drawer nearest the preparation point?  Where do the shoes and boots get “dropped”?  Can the children reach the coat hooks?  If you’re right-handed, are the baby wipes on the correct side of the changing table?  Etc.  Keep your eyes open for the littlest changes you might make.  They sometimes make the biggest difference in the “flow” of your day.

Self-Sufficiency: 

Make it easy for your child to do things him/herself.   Eg. Put his shoes/jackets in a place he can reach to put away or put on.  When he hands you his pacifier, ask him where it goes (he probably knows and will go put it away), etc. Prior to your supplying requested help, gently ask, “Did you try already?” or “What have you tried?”  If the answer’s in the negative, one response would be, “I help kids who try to do it themselves first.” [smile]

“A place for everything, and everything in its place.”

Encourage yourself to think - and let your child overhear you saying to yourself  – “I have time to put this away” OR “Where does this go?”  Post-It notes around the house are a great help in retraining ourselves, too.   Note to self: I HAVE TIME is pretty straightforward and quite helpful.  That way your eyes are helping your brain break old habits of procrastination. You can stick these little helpers anywhere: inside the medicine cabinet, on the front door, in a kitchen drawer, on the toilet seat lid!  Avoid double handling and catch yourself thinking “I’ll do this later.”  Later seldom comes. As Zig Ziglar says, “Put all your excuses aside and remember this: YOU are capable.”

LISTENING EARS and THINKING HAT

Rather than asking all day long, “Are you using your listening ears?” you might want to try a slightly different approach.  After all, how’s that been working for you?!

Posing a rhetorical question to a little one is confusing to them and [the results can be] frustrating for the adult.

Most children have thought processes that are still quite literal.  They know they heard you ask a question.  They might just be thinking, “of course I’m using my listening ears, but I’m not actually going to DO what you requested [or quit what you forbade].” 

Not responding appropriately to a parent’s “listening ears” question, isn’t necessarily defiance; it’s just a logical response to a half-asked question.  They may even smile sweetly and sincerely answer, “Yes!  I have them on.”

But the second shoe hasn’t dropped.  What do you want to HAPPEN?  The reality is that you want them to accomplish something (pick up their toys) or stop some undesirable behavior (teasing the dog).

This does NOT mean that you are supposed to repeat a request or directive …because they’ve probably heard it lots of times already any way.   A mere repetition is better replaced by a calm, “What did I say?”  Then pause and watch them actively remember.  The more often we repeat ourselves, the more likely children [employees, spouses] are to wait until the 2^nd or 3^rd time.  At that point you might logically wonder who is training who.

Be honest!  Do you really just want them to put on their listening ears as you’ve suggested by your question, OR is it actually a 2-stage process?   Let’s encourage our children to be results oriented.  Let them know there’s more to it than just the listening piece.

Here’s a little chant that works wonders: “One, two.  Listen and do.”  Make it sing-songy and repeat it until kids not only engage their listening ears, but put on their thinking hats.  Additionally helpful for little ones are the signs of touching ears (on 1), then (on 2) opening both palms forward as if moving towards accomplishing a task.  Kids love doing this.  Let them lead the way on the doing part.  It tends to  become a fulfilling game.  After a while, all you need to do is warble, “One, two…”  with your voice trailing up in happy expectation.

Bossing, micromanaging, yelling, threatening are unnecessary and ineffective tools compared to a song.

It’s hard for anyone to be angry or defiant when they [or you] are singing.

MUSICAL POTTY TRAINING

SONGS make it easier for kids to listen, even to directives…and it doesn’t have to be to any tune in particular. You can make it up as you go.  Any hand gestures the two of you come up with to reinforce the action are beneficial and make it interactive.  Even if they can’t [or don’t choose to] sing the words, kids can participate in the actions.  After singing it several times slowly with them, pause for (or eliminate) the last rhyming word to let the child fill it in.  Sort of like that children’s favorite:  B I N G O!

[to “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star”]

Tinkle, tinkle, little Max.

I don’t tinkle in my pants.

Tinkle, tinkle in the pot.

I will tinkle there a lot.

Tinkle, tinkle, little Max.

 I don’t tinkle in my pants.

[to “London Bridge is Falling Down”] 

Hands and feet are to myself,

To myself,

To myself.

Hands and feet are to myself.

I’m sweet Maxie. [or “I’m so gentle”]

(fold hands across chest like hugging self)

Having had a few musical interventions, you’ll find that just beginning to hum can bring the desired results.  After all it’s just a reminder and you’ve probably been wise enough to practice a little – with a smile!  And what is more effective: commanding or singing?  How can a child argue with a song?  It’s hard to resist the joy of music.  

WANNA’ TRADE?

Our super sized super markets are amazing.  You can find almost anything you need from frozen peas to feathered ferns, but who would have thought you could get a new kid there?  And yet that’s where I got an offer just the other day.

Having raised four daughters and spent several decades doing the WD, I decided there had to be something better.  The “WD” is the whiners dance.  It requires more than one person but no music or particular choreography.  It’s all verbal and sounds like this:

Adult: “Don’t whine at me.”

Child: “I’m not whinnnnnnnning.”

A: “Yes, you are.  I know whining when I hear it.”

C: “You aren’t listennnnnnning right.”

A: “Don’t tell m what I’m doing.  You’d better not take that tone with me!”

C: “WHAT tone?  This is my regular voice!”

A: “How many times have I told you to treat me with respect?!  [Not really a question.] Your sister doesn’t talk like that!”

C:"You always take HER side.  If you knew what she was doing behind your back, you wouldn’t think whining was so bad!”

[Voices rising, solutions disappearing, relationships suffering, everyone losing]

Fast forward to a new generation (my grands) and new approach.  Rather than complaining about the noise, I posed a question to 5 and 8 year old sisters when things were calm.  [Don’t discuss things when folks are upset.]  “Did you notice that there’s been a lot of whining around here lately?”  Then I waited for an answer.

When they replied in the positive (astonished that an adult would ask such a question], I asked my next question: “What do you think we could do about it?”

After a considerable amount of thinking and discussion, the girls decided it would be okay to have a reminder in the form of a signal.  “We’d rather have that than be bossed around.”  And a 3-fingered “W” held to the chin was agreed upon.  Practice ensued and this play acting made it seem fun to have a silent reminder.  It worked like a charm for the two weeks prior to our shopping excursion.

The three of us walked happily through one of the sets of glass doors that opened to receive us.  Next to us another family came clattering in with children of similar ages, but these girls had chosen “the whine” to communicate AT their mom.  It was dinner time and she was trying to hold it together, but the sound level was going up, and things were unraveling right there in the store’s entry.   I felt sorry for this beleaguered mom who was trying to placate whined demands without success.  It was sort of like watching someone reasoning with a drunk. ..and the kids were drunk with power.

Thinking to offer our family’s new solution to this chronic problem, I walked the few paces that separated us.  This is not something I have done before, so I had no idea what to expect.  As I approached she checked out my happy granddaughters and virtually shouted at me, “WILL YOU TRADE ME ONE OF YOURS FOR ONE OF MINE?!” 

Perfect chance for us to share our “W” signal solution…complete with a demo by the girls! “Brilliant!  You’ve probably saved their lives!” was Mom’s response. 

“If the ‘Big W’ goes unheeded,” I told her,” there’s a simple back-up plan.  Just look calmly at the perpetrator, take a big breath, and say calmly and quietly, ‘I’ll be glad to listen when your voice sounds like mine.’”

That last line got me hugged–right there in the supermarket! 

Guess she decided not to trade me kids after all.

I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH TO FIGHT

One recent parent workshop focus was on simple but powerful “defusing” skills…offering a brief, empathetic phrase, rather than getting pulled into an argument – or worse! 

Participants were introduced to some 1-liners borrowed from Becoming a Love & Logic Parent © program and added to by each successive workshop:

·        Oh, no!

·        How sad!

·        Thanks for sharing.

·        Love ya’ too much to argue.

·        I never thought about it like that.

·        Bummer!

·        That’s tough.

·        What are you gonna do about that?

·        I hate when that happens to me.

·        I’ll bet that feels terrible.

People generally find a phrase with which they feel more comfortable…modifying it to their particular situation or personality.  Remembering to breathe is the skill which allows us to pause and remember to use one of these new interventions, rather than reverting to old patterns.  A mom reflected, “It gives me a moment to recall that I’m in charge of myself.”  A military dad puts it a little more directly, “It keeps me from screaming at ‘em!”  Whatever the reasoning, practice is required to deliver this message without sarcasm or an angry countenance. 

Years ago a participant in a parenting class suggested [with great vigor] that I “Put those sayings on a little card so I can laminate it and carry it around in my pocket and pull it out so I can remember not to yell at my kid!”   Ever since then I’ve shared this little list of empathetic statements with all the members of my classes…and neighbors, irate airline passengers, preschool teachers, high schools counselors, grandparents, etc. 

One father of a really tough teen had exhausted all his threatening, bullying, yelling “skills” which he had inherited from his father.  Ready for something else, he looked thoughtfully at the little card he was holding. 

I could tell he had his doubts, but was willing to give it a shot.  He walked out of the room with obvious skepticism and squinty eyes.

Next week’s entrance into the room brought wide eyes and a face full of joyous disbelief.  The description of a near disaster was shared with interested classmates.  His son had been furious about some issue prior to leaving for school.  Dad’s fear was that he might fall back into previous patterns of heated verbal exchanges which looked like they could actually come to blows.  But this time was different.  Dad took a deep breath and pulled out his “magic card” which he attempted to share with his son.  Pointing at the phrase that resonated with him, Dad read slowly, “I love you too much to fight with you.”  Rather than congratulating him on his new parenting skills, the boy snatched the card from his hands, tore it in half, and stormed out to door…card fluttering to the floor.

Looking for the good news, we were reminded that:  the argument ended; Dad “didn’t go there” [take the bait]; good modeling had been done; and a cool head had prevailed.  More good news came later.  When his son returned from school he taped the card back together, handed it back to his dad and apologized.  “I love you too, Dad” came with a hug that sealed the deal, mended the hurt, and put this pair back on the same team. 

Dad’s summary: “His behaviour improved at least 40% right there and gets better all the time.  I’m learning to respond, rather than react.  Those phrases are magical!  I don’t have to argue and fight.  I just need to keep breathing.”                                                         

KISS MY MOM

The concept of parenting across cultures can be a challenge…and it’s not just the words we use.    Picture this: a simultaneously translated parenting workshop series at The Boys and Girls Club of Elgin.  With two facilitators (1 English and 1 Spanish speaking), we’re having more fun –and success – than we’d imagined possible.  Everyone wants a more peaceful family, less shouting, more listening, less stress, more kindness.

One dad complained at our first class that their house was full of yelling.  Nothing seemed to get through to their teenage sons. He was getting tired of trying to “make” his kids behave and felt resigned to suffer: “It’s just what happens when kids go to high school.” 

The concept of modeling the behavior you want to see was a light bulb moment, and he announced his determination to change HIS pattern of behaviour, rather than focus on the rebellion and escalating violence at home.

 

Although he wanted to see more respect and more love, he didn’t know where to start.  Old patterns are hard to break.

“Do you think I should kiss my wife?” was a question for which I was unprepared. I wondered if Ruby had mistranslated it for me!  Dad went on to confide that, although married 15 years, he had never kissed his wife in front of his sons. It just wasn’t done in his family of origin.  His wife nodded in quiet agreement.  Although she couldn’t explain it to me directly because of the language barrier, her sadness was obvious.  I suggested he give it a try.

Two smiling parents sat in the front row the next week and reported an astonishing turn-around.  “My sons have changed.  They stopped yelling and if I forget, they remind me to kiss their mom every day!”  Dad had gone home and told his son that starting now he was changing the way he [Dad] treated Mom.  “I love her so much, and I love you so much.  I’m going to give your momma kisses and hugs every day.  She’ll save them up and when I’m dead, you go to her and you will have them forever!”

Week after week the good news continues. “Still kissing every day…my sons, too.  My wife doesn’t have to clean the bathrooms anymore!” he announced with pride and delight.  “We let our boys take turns.  And they can wash the clothes.  She shouldn’t have to work so hard.  We’re a family!”

Oh, the power of a good example. Oh, the power of love. 

The smile on Momma’s face needed no translation.

A PARENTING DILEMA: TERRIBLE CASE OF THE “TOO’S”

We’ve been warned plenty about pandemics.  But there’s different kind of a plague which cuts across cultures, economic strata, and religious boundaries.  It’s taken its toll in schools, churches, and homes across continents and oceans. This insidious affliction immobilizes, frustrates, and exhausts victims, turning them against each other - and against themselves. It’s THE TOO’S !

I’m too rushed/too methodical; too “hyper”/too depressed.  I have too many ideas/too little direction.  I'm too fat/too thin; too young/too old; too dumb to understand/too smart for my own good.  I'm too gregarious/too quiet; too assertive/too passive.  I have too many demands on my time/too much time on my hands; too little compassion/too much drive.

  

Running a business, expanding a circle of friends, developing a game plan, establishing priorities, managing a family, nourishing a relationship, balancing a checkbook, understanding a relative, preparing for a presentation…the list is endless.  Rather than taking the time to center, meditate, pray, or make a home in the breathing, we tend to push ahead and pass along this infection to our children.  It does, after all, appear to be very contagious. 

As parents – whether we identify ourselves as helicopters or drill instructors (the most common types) – we tend to do too much TO and FOR our children.

Too much:

•        Talking

•        Judging

•        Directing

•        Assisting

•        Criticizing

•        Explaining

•        Improving

•        Rescuing

•        Ordering

•        Lecturing

•        Serving

•        Commanding

•        Bossing

•        Helping

•        Micromanaging

•        Saving

•        Bullying

This collection of maladies has its origin in the attempt to DO IT ALL.  It’s parents trying to run their own lives while taking responsibility for everyone else’s too.  The result is overwhelm and burnout for the adult - heartbreak and resentment for the child.

The solution is to share the load.  Share the responsibility.  Share the control.

How about replacing these too’s with some character developers and responsibility builders?

How about allowing children to learn and grow through:

• Questioning
• Decision making
• Thinking
• Choice making

Unless parents plan on having their kids live with them forever, they would do well to begin early on to break themselves of this insidious affliction of Too-itis.  Parents can unhook from old patterns and master the skill of letting children actually think and come up with conclusions, ideas, solutions, and – ultimately – an increased sense of self-esteem. 

Rather than offering to “help” [unstated implication: you can’t do it without me], a thoughtful parent might say, “After you’ve tried, let me know if you need any assistance.”

Rather than asking, “How many times have I told you to clean your room?!” [not a real question, anyway], Mom could announce that kids with clean rooms will be allowed to view the Netflix selection that evening.

Rather than giving a command [implication: you’re too dumb to know what to do without me telling you}, a wise adult might ask, “Were you going to do that before or after dinner?”

Rather than lecturing on the importance of doing homework [implication: you can’t remember the other 20 times I’ve told you this], a smart parent casually observes that he’ll love his child no matter how long it takes him to graduate from sixth grade.

Parents have so many different ways in which they can model the respect they so long to have manifested toward them.  All it takes is a pause to think before speaking and a willingness to try a different approach.  Break those old habits, and, oh joy!  Who would ever have thought respect could be such an effective cure for the terrible too’s?  Let alone having an antidotal effect on whining, defiance, and arguing as well.  Plague eliminated.  Balance restored.  Thinking established.  Control shared.  It’s a win-win for everyone!

THE 5 SENSES OF PARENTS

Some of the best insights I’ve gotten into parenting skills have come from the kids themselves. You can do your own survey. You’ll probably get more simple and unbiased answers from kids, but you can ask ANYONE what they really need to “sense” an attachment to another human being.

I found myself conducting ongoing, informal research on the question, “What should I teach parents?” I say “informal” because I was not aware that my questioning would add up to conducting a survey as I casually queried children of various ages how I could help their mommies and daddies (or their “moms” and “dads”) do a better job.

I share these observations as a way to develop and enhance relationships and promote better communication, thereby encouraging more positive results [behavior].

HEARING:
A four year old was my first respondent, whose instant and enthusiastic response was, “tell ‘em to listen!” This is a universal theme: there’s not enough time; we’re always rushing; they talk so loud [or so much] that I can’t hear them. Not surprisingly this cry is echoed by parents about their kids, spouses about each other, employees about employers!

In the past years this chronic problem has been exacerbated by the onslaught of technology. At the restaurant, check out the booth next to you. You’ll see parents [and probably kids] who are plugged in to someone or something far removed. Watch texting parents crossing the street or parking lot with little ones following behind like ducklings. Whether kids are in the car, at the table, on the playground, in the shopping cart, or in the bath tub - chances are good their parents are there only in body.

SIGHT:
This is a natural extension of the technology block. Many children feel they’ve become invisible. A 7 year old told me she felt her dad never really looked at her. “He’s really tall and he’s always in a hurry.” Taking the time to get down on the level of that child is a huge step toward actually connecting. And chances are good that if you’re trying to give a directive, you’ll only have to say it once from this position. The analogy of the eyes being the window to the soul is an apt one. All we need to do to communicate better sometimes, is to bend our knees a little. Breathing deeply and looking through the lens of love or patience, rather than that of anger or haste is another way of improving the outcome of our interactions.

TOUCH [FEELING]:
Empathy is the big one here. “My mom doesn’t know how I feel.” Or “My dad can’t remember what it feels like to be a kid.” These are often a child’s reality and result in a sense of disconnectedness…and resultant misbehavior. An understanding comment [ideally preceded by a nice deep breath], might sound like, I never thought about it like that. Thanks for sharing that with me. Wow – I hate when that happens to me. I’ll bet that hurts. Sincerely delivered, these can go a long way toward defusing reactivity and anger, thus building the bridges of communication.

Added to the positive emotion of feeling, the physical nature of touch - a gentle pat on the shoulder, a hug on the way out the door, a welcoming kiss home – provide that life-giving connection which fosters mutual care and compassion.

SMELL:
It might be the cautious “something smells fishy in Denmark” odor or the “take time to smell the roses” fragrance. Parenting provides us with both scents…and more. “Wake up and smell the coffee” might be our reminder that something needs closer attention, rather than just waiting for a situation to get better. This is often an aroma associated with our teens. Whatever comes wafting our way and wherever we are on this journey, the whole experience goes by so quickly that it needs to be savored as best we can. Even if the best we can do on some days is to just move upwind and look for the roses.

TASTE:
I often hear parents wondering if they’ve bitten off more than they can chew. The ability to savor the experience is similar to that of enjoying a multicourse meal.

1) Allow enough time. [Be patient with yourself and your kids.]

2) Realize that if you’re not really enjoying the soup course, the salad’s coming, and that might be really great! Of course the salad might be worse, so try to appreciate the soup, just in case! And know that ultimately, if we play our cards right, there’s dessert. [They grow up and invite us over to their house!]

3) Be sure you have the right implements [parenting skills] to be able to enjoy the meal. [Hacking at the soft butter with a huge carving knife, is as effective as “drill instructor” parents bellowing commands: Get that homework done now, or else! Where they might more easily and effectively give a choice: Were you thinking of doing your homework before or after your chores? As long as there are two options that are both acceptable to the parent, they’re poised for success rather than an argument.]

4) Take small bites and chew thoroughly. [Don’t rush it. These are life lessons. Performing the Heimlich maneuver is not enjoyable experience literally or figuratively.]

5) Try to remember your manners. [We are, after all, our children’s ultimate role models. They will follow our lead…even if we don’t want them to!]

6) Clean up after yourself. [Mistakes happen. Apologies not only mend fences (and hearts) but are good examples for our kids to follow.]

The 5 senses are good reminders for successful and more enjoyable parenting. Perhaps it’s as simple as what your grandmother always told you. When in doubt, just follow the Golden Rule:

Treat others the way you would like to be treated.

How sensible.